Until last weekend, I had never seen ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, a 1987 classic from director Chris Columbus. This is to say, that until last weekend, I had never lived.

The film, which you can guess at even if you don’t already know the film by heart, is about Chris Parker (eternal teen crush Elisabeth Shue), a High school senior tasked with taking care of a hormonal High school freshman Brad (Keith Coogan) and his younger sister Sara (Maia Brewton).

Of course Brad has a crush on Chris, and of course he’s way too old to have a babysitter (15), but that situation is as old as mankind itself, and just as relatable. I’m sure the cavemen were doing the same thing, and besides, this was the 80’s, dammit. Throw in a comedic, sarcastic jackass sidekick in Daryl (Anthony Rapp of RENT fame, another Chris Columbus joint) and an annoying “best friend” of Chris’ in Brenda (THE ARTIST and KINDERGARTEN COP’s Penelope Ann Miller), and you have the makings of adventure.

Brenda is only one thing: the inciting incident, because she decides she wants to run away from home. She gets to the train station before she’s out of money, crying and requiring rescue. That plot point is almost entirely forgotten (thankfully) once it successfully brings Chris and the kids out of the suburbs and into…the city, where all manner of hijinx and danger can happen. Brenda loses her glasses and sucks for the rest of the movie, providing ready made bathroom breaks.

Once in the city, I’m not really sure how Chris and company become carjacked by “badass” criminal Joe Gipp, but Joe Gipp is awesome (above), and because Brad steals a Playboy with some vague super secret plans written in them once at Gipp’s bosses lair, Chris and company have marked targets on their backs.

The 80’s touchstone is probably the 79th most important film ever made, for many reasons. For one, it was Chris Columbus’ directorial debut. The guy went on to define everyone’s childhood with HOME ALONE, HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK and MRS. DOUBTFIRE. Say what you want about the first two HARRY POTTER films, but the guy presumably had the last say on almost all of the casting and created that rich, magical film world. Most would argue that Alfonso Cuaron truly fleshed it out, and added whimsy, depth and gravity to the proceedings, but Columbus gave him a strong foundation to explore. He clearly gets kids, and may be one of the best directors for children’s movies ever, and he had a knack for creating a rollicking family movie from the get go.

(The less said about BICENTENNIAL MAN, the better.)

Chris Parker was perfect, not only because she had a guy’s name, and that’s hott (I blame DAWSON’S CREEK), but because she was portrayed by Elisabeth Shue (she’s really good at the above look).

Elisabeth Shue is one of the most fascinating actresses of the 1980’s. Her breakout role came as Ali in the original KARATE KID. When I watched that film for the first time as a kid, I was captivated by her the moment I saw her, much like the king, Ralph Macchio, who was about the most relatable teenager there is. There’s nothing more embarrassing than this awkward meet up on their first date:

I also couldn’t have rooted for their romance more during their theme park visit.

Soon, Elisabeth Shue became the dream girl, but an attainable one, because she always seems so nice, charming and genuine. She has that girl next door vibe, hell, she might have created it, and is one of the reasons our childhoods seem so depressing by comparison, since girls like Elisabeth Shue don’t exist next door. Or if they did, I wouldn’t be wasting my Friday afternoon writing about a movie that features Bradley Whitford’s finest onscreen performance as dickhead boyfriend (his license plate actually reads “So Cool”).

After KARATE KID, Shue apparently starred in LINK, where she had to outsmart a murderous orangutan, which has vaulted to the top of my To-Watch list. But it was her leading role in ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING that truly launched her career and cemented her place as 80’s heartthrob. She would go on to win Tom Cruise’s heart in COCKTAIL and Michael J. Fox’s in BACK TO THE FUTURE II and III (she replaced a wooden Claudia Wells in the sequels).

There was a lull in the early 1990’s, or at least that’s my assumption, since I’ve hardly heard of any of her roles during that time, until LEAVING LAS VEGAS, when she slayed embodying the hooker with the heart of gold trope. She had the pleasure of watching Nicolas Cage kill himself with alcohol, a thankless role that netted her Shue’s only Oscar nomination. She followed that up with Woody Allen’s DECONSTRUCTING HARRY in 1997, and has bounced around since (including a turn in the star-studded PIRANHA 3D), until landing a role in CSI in 2012.

Shue’s best performance was likely LEAVING LAS VEGAS (thus, Oscar recognition), but ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is probably my favorite. She’s not simply the leading man’s love interest. Here, she’s the star and manages to do it all: slapstick comedy, romance, heartbreak, singing, dancing and Schwarzeneggerian one-liners. There might not be a better line than, “Don’t fuck with the babysitter.”

(This comes after Brad stupidly/adorably defends Chris in front of the Lords of Hell, by calling him a big city scum sucker, and then getting a knife in the toe a la Chandler on FRIENDS)

Her lip-syncing to The Crystals’ “Then He Kissed Me” during the opening credits of ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is a veritable star is born moment. The exact time and place when Elisabeth Shue became the girl next door of the 1980’s, a look and vibe that was copied and borrowed time and time again in many movies after. In most slasher flicks, the monstrous villain is running after a version of Elisabeth Shue, because we care about Elisabeth Shue.

That is literally a female version of Tom Cruise in RISKY BUSINESS. Then there’s this hilariously bad “Babysitting Blues” performance to save their lives:

But…Elisabeth Shue is not the best part about ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, though the movie would’ve tanked without her.

Nay, the best part was Sara, the youngest of the kids that Chris is responsible for. I don’t know if I can remember a movie where the youngest child is the best, funniest and coolest of the ensemble. They’re almost always annoying, living, breathing, spittling warnings against parenthood. Instead, Sara is a girl who wears Thor’s helmet, draws Thor comics, and has a Thor poster on her wall. In the 1980’s, almost thirty years before Chris Hemsworth would make the Norse God a sex symbol and supremely cool. Sara has all the best lines, is mischievous, sassy, and has a good heart. She is so great that I hope I run into her adult self and fall in love. Where are you, Maia Brewton?

This clip, which likely was buried in a time capsule to show future mankind (or the aliens of GALAXY QUEST) what life was like in 1987, is probably the greatest thing ever:

Can you imagine seeing that today? Thor is a legitimate plot point in the movie. She has a replica Mjolnir, she wears the helmet, wears a red cape and matching Weasley Christmas sweater, and their asses are saved BY Thor.

And by Thor, I mean Dawson, a blond giant mechanic who kinda looks like a Santa Mall version of Thor. Dawson is played by a blond Vincent D’Onofrio, which is one of the least heroic things I can think of. Even in 1987, it barely works:

But it’s no less awesome to behold, which is what I could say for the entire 102 minutes of this movie.

ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is chock full of moments where you’ll just giggle and comment, “Oh, the eighties,” sigh and wish you were back there, at least for a John Hughes curated school dance.

There’s even an endearing dude with a claw.

Over the last decade, Nicolas Cage has devolved into a punchline, almost of his own devising, picking and choosing movies as if he was asking for ridicule, as if he can’t live without mediocrity. His resume is inexplicable; his career is an enigma, the idea of which was mined brilliantly in NBC’s COMMUNITY.

Nicolas Cage won an Oscar for LEAVING LAS VEGAS in 1996 and was nominated for another in 2003 for ADAPTATION (where he’s brilliant). Aside from KICK-ASS (and BAD LIEUTENANT?), I don’t know if he’s been in a good movie since 2003 (NATIONAL TREASURE is good?), and his role in that was as over the top as it gets. Cage has always had talent, or something, that’s undeniable, or else he wouldn’t continue to make a million movies, and we wouldn’t be so fascinated by his decline, his parade into B or C-movie land, or whatever you want to label the BANGKOK DANGEROUS years. Is he a higher paid and slightly less insane Gary Busey? A more famous Eric Roberts? A less ubiquitous Danny Trejo? Or is he something else entirely…?

Recently, we’ve all been swept into the amazing story of Matthew McConaughey, who transformed himself from shirtless Texas surfer dude (who was in an actual movie called SURFER, DUDE as recently as 2008) to a challenger for best actor on the planet (non-Daniel Day Lewis division) in the span of 3-4 years thanks to TRUE DETECTIVE, DALLAS BUYERS CLUB, MUD and THE WOLF OF WALL STREET. It’s been bewitching to behold (and not in a SEASON OF THE WITCH or THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE kind of way), and shows how quickly American audiences can turn, and get wrapped into a redemption or comeback story.

Dare I say it, but JOE definitely has a whiff of a McConaissance, or a Cageback, as JOE is one of the best and most brutal and real movies I’ve seen in a while. Nicolas Cage is legitimately a convincing badass, his screen presence isn’t a joke, and thankfully it never sinks in that Joe’s full name is Joe Ransom. A lot of the credit goes to Cage, but all of the other ingredients gathered together by David Gordon Green are what make everything else so damn authentic.

If you had told me that David Gordon Green, a director known for the PINEAPPLE EXPRESS and EASTBOUND & DOWN (let’s not talk about YOUR HIGHNESS), was the key to unlocking Nicolas Cage’s spirit of vengeance (adapting a book by Larry Brown), I don’t know if I’d have believed you.

But JOE is for real, folks.

Nicolas Cage is Joe, a beefy, tattooed ex-con trying to make good in one of the many towns in Texas you want to drive straight through (and certainly don’t drive angry in). It’s clear he’s a respected man about town, thanks to his hard work and turnaround, and how he’s given many people work. It’s not exactly legal, as Joe and his men poison trees in the forest, enabling lumber companies to chop them down without a fight. Joe is one of those “good men” that really only has the potential to be one, or is a good man only in comparison to all the $#*! he wades through, or is a good man in between his weekly dust ups with assaulting a police officer (though they, of course, have it coming). It’s obvious his temper, and nose for trouble is inextricable. Joe can try to change as much as he wants…but his anger will never go away.

But Joe beats a malicious, abusive drunk for a role model, which is what Gary Jones has to live with. Gary and his family are new to the hovel, drifting from town to town once his father permanently burns their bridges in each one. Wade, the father, is a stain on humanity, a representation of the absolute worst of alcoholism. He beats his family mercilessly (his wife and Gary’s Mom is a husk, and Gary’s sister is mute and likely permanently mentally damaged), and wastes any money they earn on booze.

Tye Sheridan (MUD, THE TREE OF LIFE), who plays the brave, tough and vulnerable 15 year old Gary, is brilliant. I’m not sure where Tye summons the courage and the ability to stand up to all the crap around him (or maybe I don’t want to know), but you want Tye/Gary to be happy so bad, that when he smiles his glorious smile (a rare treat), you feel like a doting parent. Sheridan was fantastic as the lead in MUD, and he’s even better here. I’ll be shocked if Tye Sheridan isn’t Academy Award material down the line.

Gary discovers Joe and his men poisoning trees in the woods, and asks for work. Joe immediately takes him under his wing, and also invites his Dad into the fold. Bad idea, as Wade is beyond the point where he can withstand a day of honest work, let alone want to. Joe tells Gary and his father not to come back, and Gary gets a beating for it. It appears that his father has ruined another chance once again, but Gary refuses to give up, hounding Joe for work, on his own. You want the work to be enough…for Wade to lay down in a ditch somewhere, but he and some of the other contemptible vagrants in town, are heading for fateful conflict with Joe, Gary caught in the middle.

JOE works so well because of its casting, and the suffocating seedy, gritty atmosphere soaked in every frame. JOE shows us the evils of alcoholism, law enforcement, and the perpetual cycle of violence and suffering in lower class America.

I have no idea where David Gordon Green found his actors, but they’re a revelation. Wade (aka G-Daawg) is played by the beyond grizzly Gary Poulter, as a vile character with no redeeming qualities. And Gary Poulter is terrifying; his lust for liquor and the lengths he’ll go to get another fix, is unsettling, making you squirm whenever he’s in the same scene with Gary. That happens a lot.

Willie-Russell (Ronnie Gene Blevins), as a scarred, vengeful pedophile, is no less disturbing. The fiercely loyal and hard-working Junior (Brian Mays), who looks after Joe’s crew as his second in command, doesn’t even feel like a character. He’s just real, and I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone in this movie save Cage and Sheridan weren’t “actors” at all. It’s as if David Gordon Green showed up to a small town in Texas, and filmed everyone that was languishing about around Cage and Sheridan. This isn’t far off: the cast is made up of indie actors and non-actors cast off the streets of Austin.

Aside from a “they’re friends now” montage between Joe and Gary, when Joe gets Gary drunk and teaches him how to drive his truck (smart), and Connie (Adriene Mishler), who’s the lone bright spot in this town of suck (and out of place for it), everything feels pitch perfect. We know how this movie is going to end, that Joe is going to be unable to stay on good terms with Johnny Law in an effort to help Gary, but it’s no less riveting for it.

JOE is uncomfortable, but a fascinating watch. Come to see Nicolas Cage acting again, stay for an unbelievable (more accurately, unnervingly believable) supporting cast and a snap shot of a world we’re lucky not to live in. Join the conversation before it happens, because I guarantee it’s about to.

JOE arrives in theaters this Friday, April 11th, as well as on iTunes and VOD.