But they all pale in comparison to whatever the hell is going on with History Channel’s forthcoming mini series, Texas Rising, an eight part event chronicling the creation of the Texas Rangers. The promise of a smaller commitment and a closed arc has brought the very best actors to TV, and Texas Rising‘s IMDb page is the crowning achievement of the medium.

What follows is a Power Rankings of the most dynamic, mind-bending, weird casts ever assembled.

18. Sarah Jones

Remember Alcatraz, the much-maligned LOST-y genre show from Bad Robot? That makes two of us! Jones was the plain jane lead, and now has the honor of being Pauline Wykoff, one of like two women in the unsurprising testosterone heavy Texas Rising. She’s so normal compared to her cast mates, that her presence sticks out even more.

Oddly enough (of course odd loses all meaning when you look at this cast), Texas Rising presents the world’s lamest TV show reunion, as Sarah reunites with Joe Egender, who was Ernest Cobb, one of the recurring inmates of Alcatraz. I was probably the first person to ever realize this, and yes, I feel rightfully ashamed.

17. Max Thieriot

Thieriot is most notable for his confusingly spelled last name, and his role as Norman’s older brother Dylan in the incestuous quagmire that is Bates Motel. He also got to be Jennifer Lawrence’s love interest in House at the End of the Street, the horror movie that thankfully most people never associate with J-Law. Best of all, Max played one of the kids in Vin Diesel’s The Pacifier, a movie that people will forever associate with Vin Diesel and it doesn’t matter because at some point after The Chronicles of Riddick, the world began to recognize Fast and the Furious as the greatest franchise of all-time. There’s at least 16 academic theses to be written about Vin Diesel’s fascinating career and the rise, fall and conquest of Fast and Furious. Max Thieriot would blessedly never be mentioned in any of them.

16. Rob Morrow

Rob Morrow might be one of the most boring actors on the planet, a necessary antidote to the crazy he’s acting opposite in Texas Rising. His weird quotient solely comes from being friends with Fisher Stevens and dropping out of The Island of Dr. Moreau, one of the greatest bombs in film history.

Back when TV and movie acting was more heavily delineated, Rob Morrow was probably the poster child for whatever “TV actor” means, thanks to Northern Exposure and Numb3rs, book-ends that made Morrow a near constant TV presence from 1990 to 2010 (there’s like a 10 year movie break in the middle, but that makes the statement less impressive).

Fun fact: He hosted Saturday Night Live in 1992 with Nirvana as the musical guest.

15. Rhys Coiro

Sure, he’s been on Lilyhammer (the most anonymous Netflix show on the planet), A Gifted Man and Hostages, three shows that have never come up in any conversation ever. But he’s also been Billy Walsh, one of the all-time great bad guest stars on a show that functions as a guest star factory: Entourage. Billy Walsh is the worst: he’s a dickhead drug addict director, which is pretty much every one on that show.

14. Cynthia Addai-Robinson

She’s the incomprehensibly evil Amanda Waller on Arrow and was Crixus’ badass love Naevia for the last two seasons of Spartacus. She also was “San Francisco Woman” in Star Trek Into Darkness. Between those three, she can run the convention circuit for the next two decades and most importantly (in the scope of this piece), these roles have led to her career-making role as “The Yellow Rose of Texas,” Emily West.

13. Jeffrey Dean Morgan

This guy’s had a fascinating career, and it’s all come to his crowning achievement: his role as famous frontiersman ‘Deaf’ Smith. Before becoming a maybe household name, JDM was apparently on JAG for seven years, which I think is a better punchline than anything I could write. He was also the inciting incident for the entire Weeds show: he was the Dad who died and left Nancy Botwin to sell dope. His name was Judah, because Jewish.

For a couple years, Jeffrey Dean Morgan had a high-profile, fan-favorite role on two of the buzziest TV shows at the same time: Supernatural and Grey’s Anatomy. It’s almost as if Morgan’s presence on a show adds an infinite number of seasons to its preordained allotment, long after he’s left set. While those shows roll on, interminably and forever, lasting well beyond the natural resources we’ll need to stay alive on this world, Morgan parlayed his popularity (?) into a brief stint as a (comic book) movie star, with roles in Watchmen and The Losers. Because of his nerd cache (read: his willingness to be in comic book movies), most of his work now comes in fancasts and miniseries’ (and STARZ; I guess Magic City was a thing for a couple seasons). He’s going to be Joe DiMaggio in Lifetime’s upcoming The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe, which will definitely be on my DVR (read: I don’t have a DVR).

12. Robert Knepper

Look at them boots.

Knepper had apparently been working steadily since 1986 before Prison Break (he was on Murder, She Wrote for three seasons!), but I guarantee you didn’t know that until you saw him as breakout character T-Bag in the show that was every douchebag’s favorite show (admittedly, it had a pretty great first season).

Since then, he’s been creepy everywhere, be it Heroes, Stargate Universe, the Clock King in Arrow and even in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay.

11. Jeff Fahey

I had the impression that before LOST rejuvenated his career, Jeff Fahey was skating by as an occasional guest star known solely for The Lawnmower Man. The guy has 139 credits, and most of those happened before Frank Lapidus entered our lives and made them infinitely better. Since then, however, Fahey’s had more high profile work in Under the Dome, Justified and this hilarious looking Hatfield and McCoys movie starring Christian Slater (who would rank #7 on this list, to give you a reference for how crazy we’re about to get).

For his role on Texas Rising, Fahey had to shave his beard to play political and military leader Thomas Rusk, the first Secretary of War of Texas. I strongly suspect most of his powers come from his beard, so this might be a risky career choice.

10. Chad Michael Murray

On Gilmore Girls, Dawson’s Creek and One Tree Hill, Chad Michael Murray invented and perfected his own brand of cocky dickface, which is the rough translation of “Chad Michael Murray.”

He somehow actually had more than one layer on Agent Carter (and we’ll get to see more of the cowardly cocky dickface in season 2), but he’ll forever be the guy who had sex with Joey and Jen on the Creek, a claim that can only be staked by one other man (and it’s his fucking creek, yo!). CMM’s the fucking worst. And because he’s so good at being the worst (and reportedly/some girl told me once he’s just like that in real life), he gets a spot in the top ten.

At some point, when I’ve dug myself into a deep dark crevice that I can’t get out of, I’ll create a Chad Michael Murray podcast.

9. Jake Busey

Jake Busey is not only the son of Gary Busey (who has since lost his right to have children) but had the pivotal jerk-rival soldier role in Starship Troopers, a movie that one could argue is the best of all-time.

8. Jeremy Davies

The LOST (and Justified) train continues with the man behind two of TV’s finest creations: rocket scientist Daniel Farady and redneck runt of the family Dickie Bennett. That would be the incomparable Jeremy Davies, who’s been squirrely-quirky since before Saving Private Ryan and Twister.

7. Christopher McDonald

SHOOTER MCGAVIN IS IN THIS SHOW. And he apparently gets an arrow through the shoulder as famous Texan soldier Henry Karnes. I could spend 10,000 words writing about this guy’s IMDb page, but suffice to say he’s voiced Harvey Dent, Jor-El and been on Kim Possible.

Shooter McGavin would react like this if he learned he only placed #7 on this list:

6. Ray Liotta

Yup, that old man with a crazy beard is Ray Liotta. There’s not much else to say beyond that. He kind of looks like he’s auditioning for The Ten Commandments.

5. Thomas Jane

The only time I saw Thomas Jane in person, he had a braided beard, was wearing those weird toed shoes, and was shepherding his kid to a movie he can’t have wanted to see at the Egyptian Theatre. I believe that everyone on Earth has seen this exact same thing, maybe all at the same time, because Thomas Jane is a mystical Native American spirit.

He’s The Punisher. When HBO needed a star with a big dick for Hung, they went to Tom Jane. He’s been Mickey Mantle. Now he’s James Wykoff (wife of Sarah Jones’ character from earlier).

4. Brendan Fraser

In 1999, Brendan Fraser might as well have been Indiana Jones after The Mummy. It was a star-making turn not unlike Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy. Then he had a string of bombs that the Gods of Hollywood will sing about long after we’re all dead: Dudley Do-Right, Bedazzled, Monkeybone and Looney Tunes: Back in Action. Jesus. He was also replaced by The Rock in the sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth. We all wish we were replaced by The Rock in something, but Brendan Fraser can actually boast this claim.

Now he’s playing Billy Anderson, a Texas Ranger with Comanche Indian ties. He doesn’t look happy about it:

I hope he turns out to be Star-Lord’s Dad in Guardians 2, or at least, gets another spot on a TV comedy, because he was wonderful in Scrubs. [Insert clever McConaissance-like phrase for Brendan Fraser here]

3. Crispin Glover

Crispin Glover is one of the weirdest humans on the planet, and I just learned that his middle name is Hellion. I love Crispin Glover.

His George McFly is one of the finest cinematic pleasures there is, but until the last couple of years I had no idea he didn’t even play him in Part II or Part III (that was Jeffrey Weissman) because he’s…difficult.

He terrified me in Willard. He was the villain in Charlie’s Angels 2, which says about as much as you need to know about Charlie’s Angels 2. He was in Hot Tub Time Machine, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? and Like Mike. Glover was the Knave of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland; Grendel in Beowulf. In other words, Crispin Glover is everything.

Now he’s Moseley Baker, the Speaker of the House of the Alabama House of Representatives, who (SPOILERS) led impeachment proceedings against President Sam Houston while serving in the Congress of the Republic of Texas. Acting is so weird.

2. Kris Kristofferson

Yes, Kris Kristofferson IS not only alive but playing Andrew fucking Jackson. He’s also contributing to the soundtrack, because he’s Kris Kristofferson.

WHISTLER! Is there a more underrated franchise than Wesley Snipes’ Blade? If the MCU doesn’t have Wesley Snipes lurking in the shadows of the MCU’s Hell’s Kitchen during its Netflix crossover megaseries, it’ll be a damn shame.

AND NOW….

1. Bill Paxton

Any clairvoyant would’ve known there’s no other possibility for #1 than the man who-will-be Sam Houston.

Has there been an actor who’s had a more fun career than Bill Paxton? He’s been apart of pretty much every action movie touchstone AND is Dinky Winks in the Spy Kids franchise.

Because of that, there’s no more rightful ruler of this divine Texas Rising cast than Bill Paxton. GAME OVER, man.

Join me May 25th at 9/8c on HISTORY CHANNEL to watch part 1.

Before even watching an episode, Constantine has a lot of baggage. He’s a wildly popular comic book character that has already been royally screwed up, by being made into a Keanu Reeves movie. Not many movies made after 2000 can boast surviving that curse. Also, most nuggets about the show’s content have been controversial/questionable. Many important facets of his character will be missing: Constantine won’t be seen smoking, he’s not bisexual like he is in the comics, and the main heroine in the pilot, Liv Aberdine (True Blood’s Lucy Griffiths), has already been written out of the show. Hokay now.

After watching the debut episode, I’ve decided none of that matters. While I think Griffiths is quite appealing/ravishing and a worthy character for the show (and her abrupt ending feels like exactly that), these guys clearly know what they’re doing.

This is basically Sleepy Hollow with a more serious tone, but instead with a sarcastic British comic book character in the lead (non-Revolutionary war edition). That would be John Constantine, with Matt Ryan exemplifying him perfectly. He’s an early favorite for breakout actor in the fall. We open on him in Northern England at an insane asylum, where he’s volunteering for shock therapy in order “to forget.” He’s been torturing himself for 3 months, trying not to believe in demons and the occult any longer, even putting himself through sessions with a psychiatrist. He’s trying to heal from a past misdeed, when he damned Astra, an adorable girl, to Hell. He can’t live with himself and wants out of the game.

Thankfully, that doesn’t last long. In group, he follows cockroaches skittering across the floors to a crazy woman with blank white eyes, finger painting with blood on the walls. That doesn’t sound like anything too unique, but trust me, Constantine has some freaky, gruesome and impressively ghoulish visuals in this episode (wait till Liv sees Nana, her dead G-Ma), one of the more exciting elements of the fun, fast-paced pilot. John wastes little time in committing a crazy/awesome exorcism. Afterwards, he’s left with a message in blood on the wall: “Liv Die.” That’s not very nice.

Then we meet said Liv, in Atlanta, where she works at a rental car place. She wants adventure, but her life refuses to give in. You know how I know your life is lame? Even your fortune cookies are blank (in bed). Then, the chance for ALL THE ADVENTURES happens in the parking lot. That or imminent death, as her car almost backs up into her, when she goes out to investigate the phantom object detected by her car’s senses (I knew not to trust those). A crater/explosion almost takes Liv out, when she meets John, riding in an old school taxi cab. He gives her his card (demonologist, master of the occult, etc.), really only succeeding in creeping her out. Then John investigates the hole and meets an angel by the name of Madon, AKA Michael from LOST (Harold Perrinau), who’s trying to persuade John to help them, suggesting that perhaps his soul isn’t damned permanently.

Once home, Liv gets in really sexy clothes and eats another fortune cookie. This time the innards tell her to “Trust Him.” The manufacturers presumably don’t mean God; they mean Constantine! A few hours later, her neighbor/friend Talia has been killed in her stead, because Constantine’s taxi driver protected Liv’s door. I feel like Liv should be madder by the fact that Talia was murdered because Constantine and Interesting Taxi Driver only protected her door, dooming her friend (dick move, guys). Of course, she’s alive, so I guess she can’t really complain. Chas is John’s taxi driver (and old friend) of few words, and mysterious abilities. He also apparently can cook lamb, so he’s automatically the best supporting character in the narrative thus far.

We learn that Liv is the daughter of (the now dead) Jasper Winters, a powerful mystic of some sort, and she’s wanted dead by Furcifer, a dangerous demon with power of electricity. Liv has her father’s ability to see the dead, and to Scrye, or to map out supernatural events before they happen. They also can kick it in Jasper’s demon-hunting den, with books, Dr. Fate’s helmet and other goodies, which is pretty helpful/easy. It’s a lot to take in, but it doesn’t feel like it. It’s breezy, also familiar, and I like that the show jumps through exposition. We get it; show us monsters and angels and gore. And that’s what Constantine does, as John, Liv and Chas fend off evil, John rejoining the fight against it to atone for the Astra debacle.

One other reason this show will rule that I haven’t mentioned is because of Ritchie Simpson, played by jittery and brilliant Jeremy Davies. He was with Constantine in Newcastle, when Constantine had his whoopsie with Astra. The result has left Ritchie disillusioned/pissed at Constantine, and a drug addict. So yay. But he can also shut down Atlanta’s power grid with a click of the button, so I’d put some serious dough that he’s gonna be useful against a demon that manipulates electricity.

How the show cuts Liv feels empty and forced, but it sounds like the showrunners are hoping to move the plot forward even faster, gifting Constantine with a female partner with more experience with the supernatural. If that means we’re getting the crazy faster, then I’m onboard. Plus, there’s nothing stopping Liv from returning in the future.

Overall, Constantine has clever quips, great and creepy FX, and a fun concept. While Atlanta has seen its share of monsters on The Walking Dead, I’m ready for another Hellmouth to open up in Georgia, and more than happy to follow John Constantine jump head first into the carnage.

GRADE: A-