I’ll admit, I’m probably the wrong one to write any post on the FAST AND THE FURIOUS franchise. I watched the first one in the prime age of when I should love it (13-14), and didn’t really get it (though I appreciated the boobs). The only thing it did was solidify my love, adoration and absolute fear of Michelle Rodriguez.

I’m not a car guy; I’m one of the least knowledgeable people I know about vehicles and anything useful, and certainly one of the least macho people I met, mostly because I just used the word macho. The only car I wanted when I grew up was a DeLorean, or Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or Lola/All of the Above. I’m as far from teh F&F demo as you could reasonably ask for…except, unbeknownst to me, these films transcends demographics, appealing to anyone with a pulse.

I hadn’t watched any other FAST & FURIOUS movie (nor do I entirely get when I’m supposed to use the ampersand or AND or neither) until a few friends made me watch FAST FIVE last year. I was resistant, but once you accept the reality of the situation, these movies are ridiculous fun, and promote such holy virtues like family, embracing the wife beater religion and crime.

As the franchise has progressed, it’s essentially turned into the EXPENDABLES of car movies, adding star wattage, except said stars are up and comers, or relatively young by comparison. Plus hot men AND women get to be in on the action. Furthermore, F&F is a melting pot of ethnicity and race, a truer depiction of America I’ve not seen. The latest is another success, balancing an ensemble of characters as ably as Joss Whedon did in AVENGERS. I don’t mean that as sarcastically as I probably should, because indeed, every person gets a chance to shine, be it the Rock/Hobbs, Ludacris, Tyrese, Vin, Paul (RIP), Han, Gisele and admittedly, not really Mia.

With Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot, above), Groot (Vin Diesel), Dracula (Luke Evans) and probably Black Adam (The Rock) all in FAST & FURIOUS, it’s fair to wonder if FAST & FURIOUS takes place in the Marvel and/or DC cinematic universes. Considering every movie will eventually fall under those umbrellas, I think F&F again is ahead of its time.

Sometime in the near future, I hope to marathon all 6/7 movies and truly embrace the testosterone, wearing wife beaters and swapping needles with the bros. When “researching” this post, this note from the franchise’s Wikipedia page was one of the funniest things I came across:

This article’s plot summary may be too long or excessively detailed. Please help improve it by removing unnecessary details and making it more concise.

A drinking game for the most recent classic, FAST & FURIOUS 6 will have to suffice.

FAST & FURIOUS 6 is directed by Justin Lin, whose Hollywood career began in earnest with the impenetrable ANNAPOLIS (2006). The movie brought him and Tyrese Gibson together, ushering Lin into “the family” that Dom and O’Connor interminably tout. The Taiwanese filmmaker put his stamp on the franchise with TOKYO DRIFT, the third film in the franchise (and the one that judging by its trailer, made me erase the franchise from my consciousness).

After Paul Walker or Vin Diesel or both were missing from 2 and 3, they reunited in FAST & FURIOUS, a film that Justin Lin also directed. He continued the good thing with FAST FIVE and FAST & FURIOUS 6, one of the main components (though let’s be honest, The Rock is the biggest component) in turning FAST & THE FURIOUS from a dying franchise with a lot of tread on its tires, to one of the most profitable and largest mega-franchises in Hollywood. In between all the cars, he also directed three episodes of COMMUNITY (including arguably its best episode ever, “Modern Warfare”), which is a surefire sign that you’re going to hit the big time in Hollywood.

Innumerable master theses could be written about the life and career of Vin Diesel, a self-made powerhouse in Hollywood. While he had a brief appearance in SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, it was THE IRON GIANT that likely propelled his career into the direction he wanted. It’s also the best movie he’s ever been in, and I don’t mean that as an insult to his body of work. THE IRON GIANT fucking rules.

Then, PITCH BLACK and THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS hit in 2000 and 2001, and he could do whatever he wanted. That meant xXx, a bunch of other mediocre action movies and…THE PACIFIER. That movie effectively/justifiably wrecked his career until returning to the role of Dom Toretto in F&F. Now he’s in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, has another F&F movie upcoming, RIDDICK might go on forever, and Vin looks to be returning in another Triple X movie. Vin Diesel has been the star of 3 different franchises, and has himself well positioned to be on the ground floor of a fourth in GUARDIANS. It’s really a fascinating journey. Diesel strayed from his m.o. and persona slightly, and has since counter-corrected in the complete opposite direction to massive success. Now, he probably can do whatever he wants, but that appears to be sticking with what works, and for any other actor, I might consider that boring, or greedy. For Vin Diesel, it’s smart. Say what you want about his acting talent or lack thereof, he’s perfect in FAST & FURIOUS, the gritty heart and soul of a franchise with a lot of moving parts. He also has one of the most loyal and active online fan-bases in the world, something he’s been on the forefront of embracing and cultivating.

So anyways, on with the drinking. You could probably substitute beer with Full Throttle, or steroids or something, but that’d be even stupider. Every round must begin with pouring a sip out for Paul Walker, an American hero.

A warning: it’s pretty impossible to play these rules. I will say that I did it. But don’t be an idiot: sleep on your bro’s couch afterwards, and don’t drink more than you can handle.

0. As with every film on 7 Inches of Your Time: sips for nips. That means man or woman, and for F&F6, you could black out from this rule alone thanks to all the man pecs.

1. Every time Tyrese is cheap, drink. Not a big sip, because you should respect Tyrese’s creed.

2. Every time there’s a new genre of vehicle (car/boat/plane/tank/etc.), have at that bottle.

3. Whenever our fateful heroes make a reference to “the life,” you should toast to the crew.

4. Whenever Dom and company reference “the family,” drink with them.

5. Drink for ever impossible car maneuver. Sorry.

6. Every time a character comes back from the dead, drink. Um, spoilers.

7. Drink for ridiculous car jargon!

8. Whenever some says, “I got this”/”I got your back”: drink. I really want to be able to say this un-ironically in my life time.

9. Drink when the maxim “Ride or die” happens.

10. You must drink whenever someone jumps from vehicles.

11. For every new wife beater, celebrate with a sip.

12. And lastly, drink for every “Oh shit.”

Expert Version: Drink whenever a car’s engine revs or someone switches gears. You’re welcome.

A BLACK WIDOW film has been… listed. Not “announced” per say, but it has its own IMDb page so gosh golly gee, it must be true! We, the people, have been surrounded by every superhero imaginable for years now (how many versions of Batman and Superman have we suffered through over the past countless decades?) and we are finally starting to see a lady at the end of the tunnel. Let’s go down a brief (and incomplete) list to see what’s already out there – past, present and future* – in the realm of live-action superhero television and films.

ANT-MAN (1 movie)*

ARROW (TV show in season 2)

BATMAN (9 movies, 1 TV show)

BIRDS OF PREY (TV cancelled after 13 episodes in 2002)

BLACK WIDOW (3 supporting/ensemble movie appearances, 1 movie)*

CAPTAIN AMERICA (8 movies)*

CATWOMAN (multiple appearances, 1 horrible movie in 2004)

DOCTOR STRANGE (2 movies)*

FANTASTIC FOUR (5 movies)*

GREEN LANTERN (2 movies)*

GOTHAM (TV, included separately because it exists in Batman’s universe but isn’t about Batman)*

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY (1 movie)*

IRON MAN (5 movies)*

JUSTICE LEAGUE (1 movie)*

SUPERMAN (8 movies, 2 TV shows)

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (10 movies)*

THE FLASH (TV show, and 1  movie)*

THE INCREDIBLE HULK (7 movies, 1 TV show)*

THOR (5 movies)*

WOLVERINE (8 movies, probably more, including cameos)*

WONDER WOMAN (TV show from 1975-1979, 1 movie)*

X-MEN (6 movies)*

Pretty impressive list we’ve got there, right? Pretty testosterone heavy list, too. Sure, we absolutely have some supporting females here and there – re: Catwoman (not the movie!), Lady Sif, the X-Women, etc – but on the whole, the list is fairly male-centric. Don’t misunderstand me here, folks: this is not a feminist-rant-post, or an angry-at-men post, but merely a “we’ve-got-some-kickass-heroine’s-out-there” post that does not quite understand why we haven’t taken advantage of the abundance of awesome womens we’ve got.

I, and I believe many others, have had the unfortunate pleasure of witnessing one too many arguments surrounding the idea that superhero films (or any films) that feature a female lead will bomb at the box office. Women don’t have the “universal appeal” that men do or some other silly thing like that. I firmly and wholeheartedly disagree, especially when it comes to superheroes. Women will go see these films because they’re such a rarity and we’re dying to get one of our own up there in a lead role, and men will see them because SCARLETT JOHANSSEN IN SPANDEX. It’s a win-win situation.

Another great argument I’ve heard (which was a personal favorite of mine) was that Wonder Woman doesn’t need her own film. Number 3. See here. While I absolutely accept and agree that her mythology does not lend well to cinematic adaptation, that doesn’t mean that a) it’s impossible or that b) that she doesn’t need a film. Just because it would be difficult to get her a working, relatable backstory on screen that does not mean that she shouldn’t get one. (Hands off, Brett Ratner, Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn. You three have ruined enough.)

And it may sound ungrateful that I’m whining when we’re finally getting both a Black Widow and a Wonder Woman film in the foreseeable future, but it should absolutely sound ungrateful. Because we, both women and the general comicfan population, should not have to be grateful that a heroine is finally getting to star in her own film. It’s a no-brainer when it comes to adapting a male hero, but somehow the ladies always get the boot. And I don’t think it’s a lack of desire from the fanbase that is holding back our heroines, but instead a lack of understanding on the studios part: they don’t know how to write our heroines. It’s hard enough to write a complex character, but for many female roles they tend to be broken down so simply that they fall through the cracks and become nothing but fluff.

My proposed solution? FIND NEW WRITERS. There are a ton of screenwriters who can master the complex female character without pigeonholing her into one stereotype or another, and maybe that’s a huge part of why we’ve waited so long to put Black Widow at the forefront of her own adventure; the writers that were bringing her to life onscreen had time to test her, find her strengths and skills off the page and are now comfortable enough with her as a character that they feel confident they can give her a successful film. And maybe that’s what the plan is for Wonder Woman, too. An introduction to Diana Prince in BATMAN VS SUPERMAN, another supporting role in JUSTICE LEAGUE to iron out the kinks and then finally a film of her own to succeed in.

I’ll admit that it’s a fairly decent plan of attack but it’s not good enough anymore, Hollywood. It’s time to find new writers who can do it right on the first try. No more bombed films, no more canned pilots. Make me the perfect RED SONJA film (not the 1985 atrocity) and do it now. We’ve got enough hugely popular and successful superdoods in tights roaming around that it’s time for some superladies to start winning the box office, too.

Meet Gal Gadot, the new Wonder Woman.