While I haven’t read it, I imagine the screenplay for Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure to be the greatest literary achievement of man.

How I imagine the script coming into being was that screenwriters Chris Matheson (who also wrote A Goofy Movie; drink!) and Ed Solomon (Men in Black) were high and getting munchies at the local Circle K, and they may or may not have had a strange encounter in the parking lot with a bum and/or George Carlin. One of them said this line:

And they knew they had a mandate from a higher power, a mission, a quest, that they needed to write a movie based on that one line, which is one of the greatest lines in the history of film. Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure actually has 7 of the best 12 lines in all cinema (“You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!” is one of the others). Most triumphant.

The film spawned an almost as bodacious sequel in Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. Plus, a most racist cartoon series, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventures:

A most delicious cereal:

A most homophobic/racist/virulent show at Universal Studios:

Plus it spawned Keanu Reeves’ career, one of the most wonderful and puzzling phenomenons in the universe. Alex Winter’s career has just begun.

Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan of Wyld Stallyns fame are American heroes as rarefied and important as the historical figures they snatch up from time for their history report. Those would be Joan of Arc, Napoleon, Gengis Khan (“This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman’s Sporting Goods”), Sigmund Freud, Billy the Kid (Mr. The Kid, who deals “with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease”), So-cratz, Beethoven and Abraham Lincoln, by the way. Until writing this post, I was convinced that Ms. of Arc was played by Winona Ryder. Apparently, that was Jane Wiedlin of The Go-Go’s.

But come on.

Bill and Ted are typical dumbasses who want to be in a band and change the world. One has a domineering father who wants his son to go the military. The other is sexing up a recent San Dimas high graduate and former classmate (“Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?” “Shut up, Ted!”). That would be Missy.

The sequence preceding this is a seriously disturbing scene where Mr. Preston kicks his son and best friend, out of Bill’s very own room, to pork Missy. On his son’s bed, no less. This is something that went blissfully over my head when I was younger. Now, I’m traumatized.

You’re looking at one of the few perfect movies. There’s something to be said for a movie that achieves and surpasses every one of its goals, and doesn’t have a flawed note whatsoever. Bill & Ted is exactly what it needed to be, wanted to be, and became something that much more, just like the band that somehow became a religion in the future. As ridiculous as that sounds on the surface, how inspiring are these maxims?

Most inspiring, is the answer, and something I’d get behind a lot more readily than actual organized religion.

I imagine San Dimas, California to only be populated by jocks (“San Dimas High School Football Rules”) and stoners, and the only place where Circle K’s still exist, and phone booths are still in use (outside of the UK). In fact, I plan on driving the 36 minutes east to San Dimas to investigate this very thing in the near future. If there isn’t a shrine to Bill & Ted, or people wearing the clothes of the future and worshiping Wyld Stallyns, I’m going to be most disappointed.

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure is everything. It’s got danger (“I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn”), bodacious princess babes, most heinous time travel plot twists that are purely jokes/cheese here, but no different than some of the logic seen in Doctor Who, Back to the Future or other hallmarks of the genre. The movie is deep:

“Look him up. It’s under So-cratz.” Philosophize with him, dude. While also highly intelligent and fraught with life’s greatest issues and challenges, there are also light moments, such as when Bill & Ted meet their future them’s, and must prove their identity through expert sleuthing:

Plus, it takes friggin’ Napoleon and puts him in a kids water park, a bowling alley and an incredibly 80’s ice cream palace. In other words, Napoleon has the best time in the future. He goes down water slides, eats enough ice cream to kill a mere mortal and goes bowling (which he’s not a fan of). It’s pure brilliance that one of the greatest military strategists and leaders in history is also…a Ziggy Piggy. ZIGGY PIGGY.

All of this happens because Ted’s younger brother ditches Napoleon. Why? “He’s a dick.”

The cherry on top of the Ziggy Piggy sundae is, quite obviously, Rufus, AKA George Carlin, in his finest film role (though this is close):

Every historical figure has indelible moments, but it’s tough to top Napoleon or So-cratz. Or Lincoln. So until we get a sequel, let’s drink along with one of the best films ever made.

“Party On, Dudes!”: The Rules

1. Every time Bill or Ted say “dude” or a variation of the colloquialism, drink.

2. Every time Bill or Ted perform the infamous/orgasmic air guitar riff, drink.

3. Drink again, whenever the Earl of Preston and the Duke of Ted shout “Wyld Stallyns!”

4. Take a drink whenever Bill & Ted encounter/kidnap another historical figure.

5. Sip whenever the phone booth travels in time.

6. Drink every time Bill or Ted say “excellent,” “bodacious,” or any synonym of those words. Double it whenever it’s preceded by “Most.”

7. Drink whenever Bill and Ted say “Whoaaa.”

8. You must drink any time someone mispronounces Socrates. And drink double when Socrates introduces himself, because it’s the best.

9. Any time we hear Bill and Ted’s full names uttered, DRINK.

10. And most importantly: Be most excellent to each other, and party on, dudes!

Until last weekend, I had never seen ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, a 1987 classic from director Chris Columbus. This is to say, that until last weekend, I had never lived.

The film, which you can guess at even if you don’t already know the film by heart, is about Chris Parker (eternal teen crush Elisabeth Shue), a High school senior tasked with taking care of a hormonal High school freshman Brad (Keith Coogan) and his younger sister Sara (Maia Brewton).

Of course Brad has a crush on Chris, and of course he’s way too old to have a babysitter (15), but that situation is as old as mankind itself, and just as relatable. I’m sure the cavemen were doing the same thing, and besides, this was the 80’s, dammit. Throw in a comedic, sarcastic jackass sidekick in Daryl (Anthony Rapp of RENT fame, another Chris Columbus joint) and an annoying “best friend” of Chris’ in Brenda (THE ARTIST and KINDERGARTEN COP’s Penelope Ann Miller), and you have the makings of adventure.

Brenda is only one thing: the inciting incident, because she decides she wants to run away from home. She gets to the train station before she’s out of money, crying and requiring rescue. That plot point is almost entirely forgotten (thankfully) once it successfully brings Chris and the kids out of the suburbs and into…the city, where all manner of hijinx and danger can happen. Brenda loses her glasses and sucks for the rest of the movie, providing ready made bathroom breaks.

Once in the city, I’m not really sure how Chris and company become carjacked by “badass” criminal Joe Gipp, but Joe Gipp is awesome (above), and because Brad steals a Playboy with some vague super secret plans written in them once at Gipp’s bosses lair, Chris and company have marked targets on their backs.

The 80’s touchstone is probably the 79th most important film ever made, for many reasons. For one, it was Chris Columbus’ directorial debut. The guy went on to define everyone’s childhood with HOME ALONE, HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK and MRS. DOUBTFIRE. Say what you want about the first two HARRY POTTER films, but the guy presumably had the last say on almost all of the casting and created that rich, magical film world. Most would argue that Alfonso Cuaron truly fleshed it out, and added whimsy, depth and gravity to the proceedings, but Columbus gave him a strong foundation to explore. He clearly gets kids, and may be one of the best directors for children’s movies ever, and he had a knack for creating a rollicking family movie from the get go.

(The less said about BICENTENNIAL MAN, the better.)

Chris Parker was perfect, not only because she had a guy’s name, and that’s hott (I blame DAWSON’S CREEK), but because she was portrayed by Elisabeth Shue (she’s really good at the above look).

Elisabeth Shue is one of the most fascinating actresses of the 1980’s. Her breakout role came as Ali in the original KARATE KID. When I watched that film for the first time as a kid, I was captivated by her the moment I saw her, much like the king, Ralph Macchio, who was about the most relatable teenager there is. There’s nothing more embarrassing than this awkward meet up on their first date:

I also couldn’t have rooted for their romance more during their theme park visit.

Soon, Elisabeth Shue became the dream girl, but an attainable one, because she always seems so nice, charming and genuine. She has that girl next door vibe, hell, she might have created it, and is one of the reasons our childhoods seem so depressing by comparison, since girls like Elisabeth Shue don’t exist next door. Or if they did, I wouldn’t be wasting my Friday afternoon writing about a movie that features Bradley Whitford’s finest onscreen performance as dickhead boyfriend (his license plate actually reads “So Cool”).

After KARATE KID, Shue apparently starred in LINK, where she had to outsmart a murderous orangutan, which has vaulted to the top of my To-Watch list. But it was her leading role in ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING that truly launched her career and cemented her place as 80’s heartthrob. She would go on to win Tom Cruise’s heart in COCKTAIL and Michael J. Fox’s in BACK TO THE FUTURE II and III (she replaced a wooden Claudia Wells in the sequels).

There was a lull in the early 1990’s, or at least that’s my assumption, since I’ve hardly heard of any of her roles during that time, until LEAVING LAS VEGAS, when she slayed embodying the hooker with the heart of gold trope. She had the pleasure of watching Nicolas Cage kill himself with alcohol, a thankless role that netted her Shue’s only Oscar nomination. She followed that up with Woody Allen’s DECONSTRUCTING HARRY in 1997, and has bounced around since (including a turn in the star-studded PIRANHA 3D), until landing a role in CSI in 2012.

Shue’s best performance was likely LEAVING LAS VEGAS (thus, Oscar recognition), but ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is probably my favorite. She’s not simply the leading man’s love interest. Here, she’s the star and manages to do it all: slapstick comedy, romance, heartbreak, singing, dancing and Schwarzeneggerian one-liners. There might not be a better line than, “Don’t fuck with the babysitter.”

(This comes after Brad stupidly/adorably defends Chris in front of the Lords of Hell, by calling him a big city scum sucker, and then getting a knife in the toe a la Chandler on FRIENDS)

Her lip-syncing to The Crystals’ “Then He Kissed Me” during the opening credits of ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is a veritable star is born moment. The exact time and place when Elisabeth Shue became the girl next door of the 1980’s, a look and vibe that was copied and borrowed time and time again in many movies after. In most slasher flicks, the monstrous villain is running after a version of Elisabeth Shue, because we care about Elisabeth Shue.

That is literally a female version of Tom Cruise in RISKY BUSINESS. Then there’s this hilariously bad “Babysitting Blues” performance to save their lives:

But…Elisabeth Shue is not the best part about ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, though the movie would’ve tanked without her.

Nay, the best part was Sara, the youngest of the kids that Chris is responsible for. I don’t know if I can remember a movie where the youngest child is the best, funniest and coolest of the ensemble. They’re almost always annoying, living, breathing, spittling warnings against parenthood. Instead, Sara is a girl who wears Thor’s helmet, draws Thor comics, and has a Thor poster on her wall. In the 1980’s, almost thirty years before Chris Hemsworth would make the Norse God a sex symbol and supremely cool. Sara has all the best lines, is mischievous, sassy, and has a good heart. She is so great that I hope I run into her adult self and fall in love. Where are you, Maia Brewton?

This clip, which likely was buried in a time capsule to show future mankind (or the aliens of GALAXY QUEST) what life was like in 1987, is probably the greatest thing ever:

Can you imagine seeing that today? Thor is a legitimate plot point in the movie. She has a replica Mjolnir, she wears the helmet, wears a red cape and matching Weasley Christmas sweater, and their asses are saved BY Thor.

And by Thor, I mean Dawson, a blond giant mechanic who kinda looks like a Santa Mall version of Thor. Dawson is played by a blond Vincent D’Onofrio, which is one of the least heroic things I can think of. Even in 1987, it barely works:

But it’s no less awesome to behold, which is what I could say for the entire 102 minutes of this movie.

ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is chock full of moments where you’ll just giggle and comment, “Oh, the eighties,” sigh and wish you were back there, at least for a John Hughes curated school dance.

There’s even an endearing dude with a claw.

Until last night, TIME AFTER TIME merely meant one of the greatest songs of all-time. Now, after watching the gloriously cheesy, dated but vigorously acted and hilarious 35th anniversary screening of TIME AFTER TIME (1979), it’s alongside BACK TO THE FUTURE as one of the most delightful time travel movies ever made.

In the LA-based Landmark’s ongoing Anniversary Classics series, film critic Stephen Farber puts the spotlight on overlooked gems, bringing in fantastic guests to do a Q&A after the fact. Last night, Malcolm McDowell of A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, ENTOURAGE and 229 (!) other credits, paid a visit to talk about his life and career. I’ll get to that, after I revel in discovering TIME AFTER TIME.

TIME AFTER TIME was a hard sell to studios, but Nicholas Meyer, the writer-director of the film, had written “The Seven-Per-Cent Solution,” a 1974 bestseller that combined Sherlock Holmes’ world with that of Sigmund Freud. Convinced by that novel’s success, Warner Bros. stepped up to make this film a reality, which was based on a novel by Karl Alexander (below).

Stephen Farber argues that he thinks TIME AFTER TIME would be a harder sell today, but a movie about H.G. Wells tracking Jack the Ripper in modern day San Francisco sounds exactly like the kind of high-concept crossover movie studios want to be making these days.

WB was hesitant to cast Malcolm McDowell in the role of the romantic lead and hero (H.G. Wells), thanks to his acclaimed role as Alex, the nutjob from Stanley Kubrick’s A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, that had typecast him (and would continue to do so). They eventually succumbed to Nicholas Meyer’s wishes. When McDowell got the script, it was a Godsend, “I’m not insane,” after all. He was thankful for not being made to play the role of Jack the Ripper.

That task went to David Warner, one of the greatest British thespians of all-time, who’s been in TRON, TITANIC, TIME BANDITS, THE OMEN and innumerable other gems, including indisputable career highlight Professor Jordan Perry in TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE. Here, Warner chews up scenery deliciously, as the creepy John Lesley Stevenson (or “Jack” to his friends), who opens up a creepy music box that never appropriately unnerves his forthcoming victim…right before slashing their throats. Also, if you ever wanted to see Jack the Ripper in a jean jacket…TIME AFTER TIME cures that long-held desire that many of us never knew we had.

Then you throw in Mary Steenburgen, who I’ve mostly only known as the curiously hot older woman (in ELF, STEP BROTHERS), as the hot and foxy younger woman who is super appealing, or Herbert’s love interest. She’s a career woman (in banking), who divorced her husband because he wanted her to be a doting housewife, and is all about the women equality movement, which tickles H.G. Wells to no end, since he trumpeted the cause back in the 19th century. TIME AFTER TIME is Mary’s second film right before winning an Oscar for MELVIN AND HOWARD, but this one is also notable because her and Malcolm fell in love, leading to marriage and two children. It didn’t last unfortunately, and now she’s married to Ted Danson. Here’s to you Mrs. Steenburgen!

Overshadowing everyone else though, is “Boy at Museum,” played by the one, the only…Corey Feldman, right before booking a role on THE BAD NEWS BEARS TV show.

TIME AFTER TIME was critically beloved, but never found the mainstream audience that WB had hoped, thanks to shamelessly publicizing the film as a “Jack the Ripper” movie. It didn’t hurt Nicholas Meyer’s career though; his next film was STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN (he also would direct STAR TREK VI). You might have caught that one.

The trumpeting opening, in which the titles zoom toward the screen with altogether too much alacrity, indicates a movie from another age, even dating the late 70’s film, as if we’re stepping into a Universal horror movie. It’s a fantastic introduction to Miklos Rozsa’s soaring presence. The legend won 3 Oscars for film scores, including SPELLBOUND, A DOUBLE LIFE and…BEN-HUR. He was nominated 10 other times, and he’s still got it here, in what was his final film.

In case you couldn’t figure it out from the poster or the trailer, TIME AFTER TIME is a time traveling caper/love story, in which H.G. Wells follows Jack the Ripper into the future to stop him. How do we get there?

In 1893, H.G. Wells has a big announcement to make to his closest friends, waiting for Dr. John Lesley Stevenson’s arrival. He’s late, of course, busy murdering a hooker in an alley somewhere. When he arrives, Wells announces that he’s made a time machine, and intends on using it, though he hasn’t worked up the nerve to do so yet.

When the cops arrive, searching every house in the area, and stumble upon John’s bag, filled with incriminating evidence, Stevenson is gone. To the future. Thanks to plot, the time machine returns home (because H.G. Wells had the homing key, or something), and Wells is forced to follow Jack the Ripper into the future, believing that he’s unwittingly sent a murdering psychopath into a utopia. Instead, he happens to land in 1979 San Francisco, a place that Jack the Ripper feels more at home than H.G. Wells does…until our resourceful hero runs into a horny young banker desperate to exchange foreign currency (that’s a euphemism, but also her job).

With the setting 1970’s San Francisco, I thought that perhaps they were going to link Jack the Ripper and Zodiac Killer, but the timeline would be messed up, not that we wouldn’t have forgiven that. It’s a time travel movie after all.

From there, we get many scenes that BACK TO THE FUTURE either borrowed, stole or paid homage to, blowing my mind, and possibly rupturing the space-time continuum in the process.

Consider this scene, when H.G. Wells outs himself as a time traveler to Amy:

It’s very much reminiscent of when Doc Brown comes clean to Clara in BACK TO THE FUTURE III. Take a deep breath…CLARA IS ALSO PLAYED BY MARY STEENBURGEN, who proves a lot madder the second time around, probably because Mary Steenburgen is tired of falling for liars/raving lunatics with awesome hair. Of course, the “second” time technically happened in 1885 in the Old West, eight years before she ultimately travels back to London with H.G. Wells (oh, spoilers). Is Clara/Amy an evil mastermind, collecting awkward time travelers? Is BACK TO THE FUTURE a spin-off to TIME AFTER TIME? “This is heavy, Doc.”

The date that Wells and the Ripper go back and forth on is November 5th, which is in fact one of the dates used in BACK TO THE FUTURE, as we can see from the following chart:

A newspaper from the future is even used as a key plot device in several scenes. There is no Enchantment Under the Sea Dance, unfortunately.

Whenever H.G. Wells’ silly time machine travels through time, it’s akin to LSD-laced/PTSD-like flashbacks from when you were a kid and you stared at those psychedelic kaleidoscopes too long, with rainbow colors splashing across the screen willy nilly. Considering the time machine is littered with rainbow orbs like the friggin’ Infinity Gems, it makes sense.

While TIME AFTER TIME is clearly a science fiction movie, it’s more heavily rooted in rom-com territory, thanks to the overarching romance between Herbert and Amy, as they fall in love on the eminently fall-in-lovable streets of San Francisco.

The pair of them are so adorably awkward, and so clearly hot for each other, that you’re begging them to mash genitals after the first scene. When they do finally start kissing, Amy even admits that she’s practically raping him. This is after she said she wasn’t a dyke and asked if there were a lot of A-rabs in Britain (her co-worker wanted to marry into oil). Visual evidence:

Either way, it’s nice to see a woman take control, giving bumbling geniuses with girl problems a break.

In many ways, H.G. Wells is like Ichabod Crane of SLEEPY HOLLOW, doddering around, stumbling upon astounding new inventions like the electric toothbrush, garbage disposal, and escalators. You already knew McDowell was a genius, but in TIME AFTER TIME, he shows off his slapstick and comedy skillz. It’s impossible not to chuckle at him following a woman in saran wrap (?), whilst taking notes:

There’s a lot to write about, there. Oh, and check him out trying McDonald’s (referred to later as a “Scottish restaurant”) for the first time, a few of the more blatant product placement opportunities that don’t feel as manipulative as they should:

Early in the film, it’s established that Stevenson and Herbert are the type of friends that always play chess, and that Stevenson ALWAYS wins, a face-palm metaphor for the cat and mouse game that is to come. The best scenes in the film, except when I’m fantasizing about Mary Steenburgen’s frizzy hair and chuckling at H.G. Wells’ “oh, dude in the past” antics, are when David Warner and Malcolm McDowell share the spotlight, going mano e mano:

TIME AFTER TIME is one of those movies that gets better with age, because its jokes are just as funny, and so many other lines become unintentionally hilarious. Plus, it’s a time travel movie, and time travel movies are the best subgenre there is. If you haven’t seen it, it’s high time to rectify that mistake, like I just did.

Besides, if there’s justice in the world, there will be a sequel, since Karl Alexander wrote one to his book. Behold:

Bwahaha.

OPTIONAL MINI-DRINKING GAME:

-Drink every time H.G. Wells touches his glasses.

-Drink for every bank you see.

If you want to cough up $1.99, you can watch Time After Time on YouTube here. Or, buy the DVD on Amazon for $5.99. It’s well worth it.

MALCOLM MCDOWELL ANECDOTES:

Afterwards, McDowell got to talk about his astounding life and career. Anyone who can tell stories that include Laurence (“Larry”) Olivier, Alan Bates and Helen Mirren (for ONE PLAY) has won. He recounted his age of debauchery with the Royal Shakespeare Group in England, where he tried to get fired (and filled his off-time with drinking, gambling and women). While he clearly missed the stage once he got going about it, he characterized himself as “a stage actor, but I escaped.”

While he loved and trusted Stanley Kubrick, and had to for his role in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, he mentioned that Kubrick screwed him out of money for the movie. This was an ongoing theme, as he told a story about when he met Gene Kelly (who he paid homage to in the infamous Singing in the Rain sequence from CLOCKWORK), who looked him up and down, and stalked off without a word. 40 years later, Gene’s widow would tell him that he wasn’t mad at McDowell, but at Kubrick, because he hadn’t gotten paid.

His favorite actor of all-time? James Cagney (WHITE HEAT, SCARFACE). For him, there has never been someone more unpredictable, possessing his unique brand of energy.