I do not like Angelina Jolie, but when I say she was the best part of this 97-minute Disney flick, I mean that with the utmost respect and complimentary intentions. I went into this movie really hoping that it would change my opinion about SLEEPING BEAUTY and make me love Maleficent the way everyone else seemed to. Instead, the movie made me wonder what in the hell the studio was thinking. In an effort to make the audience empathize with one of the most infamous Disney villains of all time, they changed the [Disney] story of Sleeping Beauty* altogether, and made an arguably strong female villain, into a horrible depiction of a spurned woman. Thus, the critique that follows is that of an angry feminist, because there is no other way for me to express my rage at this atrocity.

Before I start on my rant, let me a say a few brief words about the rest of the film. The SFX were acceptable. I keep reminding myself that this is a Disney movie that was designed, marketed and made for children, and that I shouldn’t be too critical of the choice of magical creatures created or how fake the CGI** was, but I can’t seem to get past it. I wanted something darker and grittier – Maleficent was a villain – but somehow the fairies and all the other “dark” creatures were just so absurdly comical and obviously fake that I don’t think I ever really fully invested in the story; my disbelief was not, and could not be, suspended.

In addition, while the majority of the writing and dialogue was average, some was absolutely horrid. There were lines (about the begging, for example. Something about, “You’re begging. I like it when you do that.” or some such silly nonsense) that made my skin crawl because they were so overwritten and utterly ridiculous (so much so that not even a child in the ideal marketing demographic would have enjoyed them). But on the other hand, there were a few really great lines too, and Jolie had some wonderful dry humor-moments. For instance when she looked down at baby Aurora and hissed and the child just giggled and cooed. Maleficent snapped back with a sharp, “I hate you.” and it was so hilarious and endearing that you almost forgave all the bad lines (of which there were quite a few).

The minimal positive qualities were really limited to one: Diaval, Maleficent’s sidekick. While he didn’t get the screen time I wished he had, nor the ending (I was totally rooting for him to be Prince Charming) his comic relief and acting as Maleficent’s good conscience was quite lovely throughout the entirety of the film.

But really, the only other good thing I have to say about this film is that Jolie did a particularly good job for what she was given to work with. She made Maleficent likeable and funny, and really made us connect with an otherwise horribly conceived character. She not only looked the part and had the calm, cool and collected attitude to really chill someone to the bone, even when she was angry and dark, Jolie was really able to get Maleficent’s vulnerability across which is something I haven’t seen her do successfully, maybe ever. (…Also, that opinion may be a little tainted because I truly can’t stand the woman.)

And now the femirant begins. The premise of this film – of Maleficent’s origin – is that she fell in love with a poor boy, and at 16 he gave her “true love’s kiss.” That boy then went to work in the castle and upon the kings’ deathbed, he decreed that the person who brought him Maleficent’s wings would be named his successor. In turn that boy, Stefan, returned to Maleficent, manipulated her, cut off her wings and then became king. Maleficent grew vengeful and hateful at the betrayal and on the day of Aurora’s introduction and celebration of birth, Maleficent cursed her that she would fall into a deep sleep on her 16^th birthday only to be awoken by true love’s kiss.

Thus, Aurora was carted off to live with the three most annoying fairies anyone could have ever designed, and Maleficent began to watch over her while she grew up. Even through her hate and rage at Stefan, she grew to love and harbor affection for the sweet natured Aurora, and when the curse fell upon her, it was Maleficent’s kiss that woke her, not Prince Phillip’s (who I’m pretty sure was one of the boys from One Direction. That hipster hair was the worst.)

In theory, this all sounds like a very touching tale of darkness and redemption, but looking at it clearly it’s a story of a woman scorned by a man whose only path back from evil was through motherly affection for a young girl. Maleficient, at the betrayal of her true love (however rightly so: this dude physically abused her and gave a whole new meaning to “domestic violence” by mutilating the poor woman) pushed her so far down the path of retribution that she would curse a baby using the same words that solidified her trust in that man to begin with.

However, after getting to know this little girl and learning to love her as a daughter, Maleficent sees the error of her ways – her maternal instinct is too strong and she tries to lift the curse (to no avail because evil Maleficent was apparently more cunning than good Maleficent). In fact, Maleficent’s love apparently grows so strong that it becomes “true love” and she is the one to break her own curse, waking Aurora from her sleep.

It could be argued that it wasn’t about a spiteful woman enacting revenge, but about love between women, and I would be more than willing to accept that… Had the message that maternal instinct is what saves women from a path of evil not been so apparent. A man hurts her, and the only way for her to get back on track to being a “hero” and beloved by all the magical creatures is by being a mother to a girl – that was not unlike herself when she was a child. Disney tried so badly to make Maleficent into an empathetic character that in twisting her story of descent into something that could be restored in the end, they [un]intentionally sent a horrible message about women.

While I do believe that the story was written this way to ensure a family-friendly atmosphere (true love is always good for that), there must have been a better alternative. What if Stefan had been her brother and traded her in for the human world? Or what if she had traded him in for the magical one? What if it wasn’t Stefan at all, but the nameless and absent queen? What if they were sisters – or best friends – and one betrayed the other? Disney had to make Maleficent’s actions worthy of the crime, and moreover, the crime worthy of the reaction, but the way in they mapped out her story to be recouped in the end was all wrong. The man-hate-only-forgivable-by-maternal-sentiment was the weakest link in the entire film, which was not very strong to begin with.

Unfortunately for Disney, their first live-action Villain story left so much to be desired, that one can only hope they will learn their lesson if they ever decided to reinvent Ursula, Jafar or The Evil Queen and give them more substance than merely wicked, gender-specific trials and tribulations.

*In the original story of Sleeping Beauty, Aurora was cursed for 100 years and in that century her “Prince Charming” found her, raped her, and in her sleep she gave birth to twins. Only after all that horror did she wake up.

**The CGI wasn’t great, but the dragon was awesome. Then you stop and realize that Maleficent wasn’t the one to turn into the dragon in this version, and it’s suddenly less awesome.

L-to-R: Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, Snow White, Pocahontas, Jasmine, Belle, Mulan, Cinderella, Tiana

18. AURORA (SLEEPING BEAUTY)

She had a total of like, 15 minutes of screen time. This lazy ass slept the entire movie. Worst. Adventure. Ever.

17. SNOW WHITE (SNOW WHITE)

I’ll say it, I totally have judging eyes on this one. She seriously just moved in with seven rando dudes she’d never met before? Who is she? But at least she didn’t just nap for an hour, like some other ladies.

16. TIANA (THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG)

So this one surprised me. Tiana, one of our only ethnic Princesses, is also one of the more recent princesses so you’d think she’d be a super strong, kick-ass girl who sends a great message to the young’ns… Except she doesn’t. The entire film is about how dedicating her life to a career isn’t enough – she needs a man, too. That isn’t her fault, sure, but the part where she believes it, is. Boo!

15. ELSA (FROZEN)

I can see the hate mail now, but that doesn’t change the fact that Elsa was not a great role model. Sure, she was raised to be ashamed of herself and hide who and what she was, but she also let her sister die because she was too cowardly to stand up for herself. Shame on her.

14. ARIEL (THE LITTLE MERMAID)

As far as selfish princesses go, Ariel is pretty up there. She gave up her entire family and everyone she loved to be with a dude she just met… Who she didn’t actually meet. For Christ sake, there wasn’t even an introduction. The only reason she isn’t ranked lower is because she had a point: you can’t always make everyone else happy and sometimes you just gotta be you, even if it means you might disappoint others.

13. RAPUNZEL (TANGLED)

She was a dreamer, and a romantic and that’s great. She was also ridiculously naïve and got her boo killed. (Doesn’t matter that she brought him back, that’s not the point here.) I’m kinda split 50/50 on her. I’ll give her props for not giving up on her dream but allowing it to change, and being generally adorable. Also: Pascal.

12. JANE (TARZAN)

Jane may not have been the most interesting character, but she was open to new things and that’s a really important trait in a person. She didn’t understand Tarzan’s world, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to. She taught him how to speak, and while the argument could be made that she tried to change him (by taking him back to England) she didn’t – in fact it was just the opposite, she realized and accepted that he was from a different world than her, and she was cool with that. Pretty good message of tolerance right there.

11. BELLE (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST)

Again, with the hate mail. Yes, Belle was very smart and book-wormish, encouraging reading and using your imagination… But she also fell in love with a monster who kidnapped her and held her against her will. Yeah ok, she saw the best in him but that doesn’t make up for the major Stockholm Syndrome that came along with her entire experience.

10. CINDERELLA (CINDERELLA)

Yet another princess that fell in love with a man she just met (I’m sensing a theme) but you gotta give it to her – she would not let go of her dreams. She found something she wanted and she found a way to get it. Sure, she could have had more of a spine standing up to her wretched step-sisters, but when your livelihood depends on those freaks do what’s necessary. As far as entertainment value, GusGus was the bomb.

9. MEGARA (HERCULES)

The sass. Sure, she was a baddie for the first portion of the film, but she was also participating in Hades’ schemes against her will and eventually saved Hercules from a falling pillar, sacrificing herself. When Hercules was accepted by the Gods in Olympus, she didn’t ask him to stay with her or give it up for her which is pretty noble (or martyr-ish, depending on your point of view). But either way, the sass.

8. POCAHONTAS (POCAHONTAS)

The only reason she’s number 8 is because we have a lot more to go. She was awesome. Strong, courageous, wise, unafraid to be scared (which is hard work!) and she saved hundreds of lives. Girl power. (Could you imagine her as a Spice Girl? She’d be like, Nature Spice or something, which sounds like a really pleasant cup of tea.)

7. ALICE (ALICE IN WONDERLAND)

The drugs, the curiosity, the adventure. Alice was awesome. There was no prince, no saving necessary, just a girl exploring a world that must have had LSD in its water supply. Alice went with the flow, and yes while she may have gotten frustrated and homesick, she figured it all out her damn self. (With the help of some colorful friends. Literally, colorful. Cheshire Cat, anyone?)

6. JASMINE (ALADDIN)

Eight words: “I am not a prize to be won.”

5. KIDA (ATLANTIS)

A badass [ethnic] princess from a long forgotten underwater kingdom with shocking amounts of wisdom, awesome fighting skills and hair that I would kill to pull off. Kida was not named one of Disney’s Princesses because ATLANTIS was not a musical, but that doesn’t change the fact that she became a goddamn Queen. Quite literally.

4. MERIDA (BRAVE)

Merida is my spirit animal. She’s strong, tough as nails, refuses to be anyone other than herself, a killer archer, and the hair. Only reason she isn’t one of the top three is because she was a bit of a brat to her mom. Sure, teen angst, blah blah blah, but it took mama getting turned into a bear for her to change her attitude. Stubborn lass, she was.

3. ANNA (FROZEN)

Absolutely the most relatable out of all the women on this list. Anna was full of spunk and life, and Kristen Bell was just perfect to voice her. Even after Elsa turned out to be what she was, Anna would not give up on her. She loved Elsa more than she deserved and would have (and did) do anything to protect her sister.

The last two are really tough to rank. On the one hand we have a warrior who, in a time where everyone was bound by honor, men were required to fight for the emperor and women trained to be silent, Mulan wouldn’t have it. She masqueraded as a man to protect her father, and ended up saving an entire country. On the other hand, we have a loyal and compassionate gypsy, the lowest of all in Parisian society who put everyone else before herself. She fought for the less fortunate, the outcasts, and the minorities to be treated equally. Mulan had to fight as a man and ended up changing her place in the world, but Esmeralda chose to fight as herself for everyone else. For that I rank them:

2. MULAN (MULAN)

1. ESMERALDA (THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME)

Honestly I’ve got no words of wisdom or closing remarks about this list. It’s always hard to rank your favorites because you want to see the best in them – that’s why they’re your favorites. But admitting their faults and loving them all the same is ok, too. (read: Sound advice in life.)

*Also: Anastasia was not included in this list because she was not Disney, she was 20th Century Fox. Haters.