Welcome to the Superhero Movie Guidebook! For an introduction to this series, click here. Check here for past entries and future updates every Thursday.
Today, our chronological march through every live-action superhero movie lands at Citizen Kane KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park, an NBC TV movie from 1978. It follows the rock group KISS, arguably at the height of their popularity, as they use their superpowers to fight an evil inventor in an amusement park. And also to rock, of course.
Now, you might hear that premise, or see photos or clips from the film, and think, “That sounds like the shittiest piece of shit that any shit-for-brains was ever shitty enough to greenlight.” If you’ve actually seen the film, then you almost definitely think that. But you would be WRONG. I have an original theory about KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park, or as I like to call it, KMtPotP. You see, the movie is actually a next-level leviathan of allegory that explores the Cold War.
The film opens with KISS playing their most famous song, “Rock & Roll All Night,” to a frenzied crowd. After that, we don’t see them for a while. And by a while, I mean nearly a third of the movie goes by before we actually see KISS outside of one song while the credits play.
Some might suggest that this extended absence is to make up for the band members’ horrible, horrible acting by reducing their screen time. This is incorrect. As I’ll explore more soon, KISS represents the United States in this film, and the evil inventor Devereaux represents the Soviet Union. The amusement park itself is any susceptible nation-state during the Cold War. The park (probably a third-world country) is going through difficult financial times and turns to a KISS concert (U.S. foreign aid) to make money. But Devereaux (the U.S.S.R.) is trying to take over and/or destroy the park (/country) using a combination of robots he created and people he took over with mind-control chips. KISS had little to do with the park until the same time Devereaux was putting his plans into motion. So you see, the band’s absence for nearly a third of the film, and subsequent re-entry to stop Devereaux, represents the Truman Doctrine, a policy of containing the spread of communism by aiding its enemies in places we previously hadn’t cared about.
During those early parts of the film, your first instinct is going to be to find the nearest rock and bash your own head in, because the sweet release of death would be preferable to watching even just another moment. But don’t give into that impulse, because while this section of the movie may seem to range from tedious to agonizing … there’s actually a lot going on here beneath the surface. We follow a young woman, Melissa, and her fiancé, Sam. Sam gets taken over by one of Devereaux’s mind control chips; this is symbolic of the U.S. perception of communism during the Cold War: to be converted to its tenets is to lose your singular identity (1956’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers did the same basic thing). Melissa tries to find Sam and free him — maybe just because they’re engaged, but more likely, because deep down, everyone wants to live in a Western-style democracy. A look at a few of the robots Devereaux has already built also shows his Soviet-style threat. Here are three of them:
An animatronic gorilla: this represents the strength of the Old World. Although relatively wild to smug imperialist eyes, these developing nations have resources that the U.S.S.R. wants to control and exploit.
Frankenstein’s (kinda pudgy) Monster. This represents all technological advances and the Cold War fight to be on their cutting edge, from atom bombs to the Space Race. It might also be Soviet propaganda that their citizens are well-fed.
Finally, some sort of American-colonist-looking guy whom I’m just going to assume is supposed to be George Washington. This means they’re coming for YOU, America. The communists wants to take over everything beloved to us, and maybe demean it by making it stick its tongue out in an undignified manner.
When KISS arrives, Devereaux tries to frame the band by having a robot lookalike Gene Simmons trash part of the park. Just like Russia tried to frame us for the Bay of Pigs, according to a conspiracy theory I just made up. It doesn’t work, of course, and KISS meets Melissa and agrees to try to help find and save Sam. They also serenade her with the song “Beth,” because America cares, you guys. You might notice that KISS’s acting is so bad that you need to wash it down with a fifth of hemlock, but that’s only because the U.S. isn’t about fake stuff like acting; here, we tell the truth.
KISS fights some kind of werewolf/werecat thing. I actually have no idea what the fuck that symbolizes.
Somehow, KISS gets captured and ends up in a prison of energy bars. This is the low point for our heroes, representing a shitstorm combination of the Tet Offensive, Watergate, and the Iranian Hostage Crisis. The third of those hadn’t actually happened yet, but KISS can see into the future.
But you can’t keep the U.S. down for long. KISS escapes (/elects Reagan) using their superpowers. What are their superpowers? Pretty much whatever the plot calls for at that moment, because American exceptionalism, y’all. They then have to go on stage and fight the evil robot KISS.
The overall point of the film is of course the external threat of the U.S.S.R., but this final battle reminds us of the internal threat, as well. Communists can lurk anywhere. They could be your coworkers, your neighbors, your friends. They could even look like YOU, so stay vigilant out there, guys.
After winning the fight (and rocking out a bit), KISS returns to Devereaux’s lair and frees Sam from the mind control, welcoming him back into the loving arms of his fiancée (/capitalism). They find Devereaux is either dead or comatose, and his hair has turned white. Again, KISS has seen into the future, foretelling the collapse and fall of the Soviet Union. But notice the confusion about whether he’s dead or catatonic. Could the evil empire rise once more? Again, STAY VIGILANT.
You know who’s definitely staying vigilant? KISS. So whenever you see a drone Gene Simmons flying overhead, you’ll know you’re safe.
NEXT WEEK: Superman II (1980)