I’ll admit, I’m probably the wrong one to write any post on the FAST AND THE FURIOUS franchise. I watched the first one in the prime age of when I should love it (13-14), and didn’t really get it (though I appreciated the boobs). The only thing it did was solidify my love, adoration and absolute fear of Michelle Rodriguez.

I’m not a car guy; I’m one of the least knowledgeable people I know about vehicles and anything useful, and certainly one of the least macho people I met, mostly because I just used the word macho. The only car I wanted when I grew up was a DeLorean, or Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or Lola/All of the Above. I’m as far from teh F&F demo as you could reasonably ask for…except, unbeknownst to me, these films transcends demographics, appealing to anyone with a pulse.

I hadn’t watched any other FAST & FURIOUS movie (nor do I entirely get when I’m supposed to use the ampersand or AND or neither) until a few friends made me watch FAST FIVE last year. I was resistant, but once you accept the reality of the situation, these movies are ridiculous fun, and promote such holy virtues like family, embracing the wife beater religion and crime.

As the franchise has progressed, it’s essentially turned into the EXPENDABLES of car movies, adding star wattage, except said stars are up and comers, or relatively young by comparison. Plus hot men AND women get to be in on the action. Furthermore, F&F is a melting pot of ethnicity and race, a truer depiction of America I’ve not seen. The latest is another success, balancing an ensemble of characters as ably as Joss Whedon did in AVENGERS. I don’t mean that as sarcastically as I probably should, because indeed, every person gets a chance to shine, be it the Rock/Hobbs, Ludacris, Tyrese, Vin, Paul (RIP), Han, Gisele and admittedly, not really Mia.

With Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot, above), Groot (Vin Diesel), Dracula (Luke Evans) and probably Black Adam (The Rock) all in FAST & FURIOUS, it’s fair to wonder if FAST & FURIOUS takes place in the Marvel and/or DC cinematic universes. Considering every movie will eventually fall under those umbrellas, I think F&F again is ahead of its time.

Sometime in the near future, I hope to marathon all 6/7 movies and truly embrace the testosterone, wearing wife beaters and swapping needles with the bros. When “researching” this post, this note from the franchise’s Wikipedia page was one of the funniest things I came across:

This article’s plot summary may be too long or excessively detailed. Please help improve it by removing unnecessary details and making it more concise.

A drinking game for the most recent classic, FAST & FURIOUS 6 will have to suffice.

FAST & FURIOUS 6 is directed by Justin Lin, whose Hollywood career began in earnest with the impenetrable ANNAPOLIS (2006). The movie brought him and Tyrese Gibson together, ushering Lin into “the family” that Dom and O’Connor interminably tout. The Taiwanese filmmaker put his stamp on the franchise with TOKYO DRIFT, the third film in the franchise (and the one that judging by its trailer, made me erase the franchise from my consciousness).

After Paul Walker or Vin Diesel or both were missing from 2 and 3, they reunited in FAST & FURIOUS, a film that Justin Lin also directed. He continued the good thing with FAST FIVE and FAST & FURIOUS 6, one of the main components (though let’s be honest, The Rock is the biggest component) in turning FAST & THE FURIOUS from a dying franchise with a lot of tread on its tires, to one of the most profitable and largest mega-franchises in Hollywood. In between all the cars, he also directed three episodes of COMMUNITY (including arguably its best episode ever, “Modern Warfare”), which is a surefire sign that you’re going to hit the big time in Hollywood.

Innumerable master theses could be written about the life and career of Vin Diesel, a self-made powerhouse in Hollywood. While he had a brief appearance in SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, it was THE IRON GIANT that likely propelled his career into the direction he wanted. It’s also the best movie he’s ever been in, and I don’t mean that as an insult to his body of work. THE IRON GIANT fucking rules.

Then, PITCH BLACK and THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS hit in 2000 and 2001, and he could do whatever he wanted. That meant xXx, a bunch of other mediocre action movies and…THE PACIFIER. That movie effectively/justifiably wrecked his career until returning to the role of Dom Toretto in F&F. Now he’s in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, has another F&F movie upcoming, RIDDICK might go on forever, and Vin looks to be returning in another Triple X movie. Vin Diesel has been the star of 3 different franchises, and has himself well positioned to be on the ground floor of a fourth in GUARDIANS. It’s really a fascinating journey. Diesel strayed from his m.o. and persona slightly, and has since counter-corrected in the complete opposite direction to massive success. Now, he probably can do whatever he wants, but that appears to be sticking with what works, and for any other actor, I might consider that boring, or greedy. For Vin Diesel, it’s smart. Say what you want about his acting talent or lack thereof, he’s perfect in FAST & FURIOUS, the gritty heart and soul of a franchise with a lot of moving parts. He also has one of the most loyal and active online fan-bases in the world, something he’s been on the forefront of embracing and cultivating.

So anyways, on with the drinking. You could probably substitute beer with Full Throttle, or steroids or something, but that’d be even stupider. Every round must begin with pouring a sip out for Paul Walker, an American hero.

A warning: it’s pretty impossible to play these rules. I will say that I did it. But don’t be an idiot: sleep on your bro’s couch afterwards, and don’t drink more than you can handle.

0. As with every film on 7 Inches of Your Time: sips for nips. That means man or woman, and for F&F6, you could black out from this rule alone thanks to all the man pecs.

1. Every time Tyrese is cheap, drink. Not a big sip, because you should respect Tyrese’s creed.

2. Every time there’s a new genre of vehicle (car/boat/plane/tank/etc.), have at that bottle.

3. Whenever our fateful heroes make a reference to “the life,” you should toast to the crew.

4. Whenever Dom and company reference “the family,” drink with them.

5. Drink for ever impossible car maneuver. Sorry.

6. Every time a character comes back from the dead, drink. Um, spoilers.

7. Drink for ridiculous car jargon!

8. Whenever some says, “I got this”/”I got your back”: drink. I really want to be able to say this un-ironically in my life time.

9. Drink when the maxim “Ride or die” happens.

10. You must drink whenever someone jumps from vehicles.

11. For every new wife beater, celebrate with a sip.

12. And lastly, drink for every “Oh shit.”

Expert Version: Drink whenever a car’s engine revs or someone switches gears. You’re welcome.