For my money, there is not a funnier movie, second by second, scene to scene, than Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There isn’t a more quotable movie, or a more fun one to quote, either. While it’s probably not my favorite movie of all-time, it’s in the top 5, and is one of the best communal movie-going experiences ever.

Thank you John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Graham Chapman, Terry Jones and Michael Palin.

The brilliant quest for the Grail is one of those movies that presents you with a different favorite scene every time you watch it. The touchstone of a great comedy is when you ask people what their favorite scene is, and they all have wildly different answers to that question. That’s the beauty of the Holy Grail, the entire thing is made up of favorite scenes, jokes, and bits. It never drags, even through the brilliant credits (perhaps the best ever).

It’s Nigh impossible to pinpoint a favorite scene. When I first was shown Monty Python and the Holy Grail by my Uncle (who grew up listening to the movie on tape; how many movies can you just listen to and love?), I was most amused by the glee with which a 35 year old man watched it for the hundredth time, quoting every word. But by the second time I watched it, I was quoting it myself (and I’m not one of those people who quotes movies all the time, at least not outside of blog posts), laughing deliriously at the infinite silly, irreverent and timeless gags.

There’s the Rabbit of Caerbannog. The gay son who doesn’t want land, Father (“I just want to…sing!” STOP THAT), who’s like the spiritual cousin of Hermey the Elf from Rudolph. The stunning refusal of characters to die. The Trojan Bunny. Patsy. Camelot.

Glorious Patsy.

John Cleese’s taunting French guard. Swallows (“African or European?”). Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot. Shrubberies. Tim the Enchanter. Sir Not Appearing In This Film. The greatest and probably most accurate witch scene ever (“Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?”).

In other words: Everything. Every time you watch it, you discover a new gem you missed the first time (likely because you were laughing during it). Recently, my favorite has become the political scene involving Dennis the Peasant and his Mother (“Well, I didn’t vote for you” is my favorite thing to say):

While Monty Python and the Holy Grail doesn’t need booze to be the fulcrum of a fantastic Friday night, a frosty ale wouldn’t hurt it, neither. And thus is borne the Monty Python and the Holy Grail Drinking Game: Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch Edition.

THE RULES

1. Drink for butt trumpets. Because, butt trumpets:

2. Drink whenever you hear the infamous Monty Python cat scream. You’ll find it in the “Bring Out Yer Dead!” scene, for starters:

3. Drink for every utterance of “I’m not dead yet,” or variance thereof. This happens throughout, not just the above scene.

4. Any time there’s an argument about African or European swallows, drink.

5. Take a sip whenever Sir Lancelot kills someone.

6. Each time Arthur, King of the Britons proclaims, “I am Arthur, King of the Britons!”, take a swig.

7. Every time the Monks self-flagellate, sip for their pain.

8. Drink for every “Run away!”

9. Take a drink for every limb that the Black Knight loses.

10. Drink every time “Brave Sir Robin” is sung/uttered. This one comes with a multiplier: take an extra drink for every “Brave” said before “Sir Robin.”

11. Whenever you hear the Knights Who Say Ni (or formerly say Ni) say, “We are the Knights who say…”, drink.

12. Drink every time Sir Bedevere flips up his helmet (“Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?”).

13. Whenever something is launched (“Jesus Christ!”), drink.

14. Take a sip for every instance of story book graphics.

15. Waterfall for the Camelot song (“It’s a silly place”).

If you can’t hang with these rules, then…well:

To celebrate the Fourth of July, I present AN AMERICAN TAIL: FIEVEL GOES WEST. What’s more American than FIEVEL GOES WEST?! As stated in BROOKLYN NINE-NINE, Fievel’s journey parallels the story of America. In AN AMERICAN TAIL (1986), the patron saint of childhood movies Don Bluth, painted a tragic and ultimately uplifting portrait of an emigrant Jewish-Russian family coming to America/the “New World” to seek greener pastures and greater opportunities. In its sequel, directors Simon Wells and Phil Nibbelink (WE’RE BACK!, y’all) detail the arduous journey of families moving westward, again tantalized by the versatile and propagandistic American Dream. You don’t need Admiral Ackbar to tell you that IT’S A TRAP, and Fievel, Papa, Mama, Tanya fall right into it.

Essentially, the Mousekewitz family have fallen on hard times in the big city, fighting for scraps and struggling to find work. So naturally they fall under the spell of a painfully obvious puppet, telling all the mice of opportunity in the West. Fievel’s ecstatic, because like every other kid, has fantasized about being a cowboy in the Wild West, and idolizes Wylie Burp, a drunken amalgamation of every famous cowboy ever. Little do they and Tiger (the all-timer Dom DeLuise as a mix between the Cowardly Lion and Barf from SPACEBALLS) know the mice are unwittingly traveling west to become dinner for Cat R. Waul (John Cleese, ladies and gentlemen) and his drooling feline henchman, an elaborate plan for “mouse burgers.” Why doesn’t Cat R. Waul and company just eat the mice when he has them all in one place listening to the creepy marionette’s spiel about the west? Well, because there’d be no movie, and it’d make too much sense.

It’d also rob us of seeing the old and drunk sheriff of Green River, the formerly great Wylie Burp. He’s voiced by Jimmy Stewart in his final and 17th most indelible role. There’s no doubt that J-J-Ja-Jimmy Stewart is one of the greatest treasures of America, and he’s no less wonderful and magical as a drunk dog sheriff, a testament to him, Amblimation and this classic film. Considering he made a name for himself in Western’s, it’s fitting for this final heroic and redemptive tale to be his swansong. Is there a better or more poignant last line for Stewart to utter than “If you ride yonder, head up, eyes steady, heart open, I think one day you’ll find that you’re the hero you’ve been looking for.” Feels. One man’s sunset is another man’s dawn.

Tiger follows his mice friends west, because why not? Miss Kitty (Amy Irving, the tramp above) dumped his ass because she’s looking for “a cat that’s more like a dog.” This is hilarious on all kinds of levels. When cat lovers describe their cat as being like a dog (like that’s a big deal and worth celebrating), I always want to yell at them: GET A DOG if you want something to act like a dog. We all know that dogs rule and cats drool. But it’s even weirder when a cat is the one saying it. Even cats don’t like themselves, or perhaps Miss Kitty just wants inter-species sex, and who can blame that minx for wanting to see what else is out there.

Along the way, Fievel gets separated from his family AGAIN, because he’s on a mission to break Mama and Papa’s hearts into a million pieces. Seriously, I have no idea why they haven’t died of sorrow. It’s a testament to the Mousekewitz’s perseverance and faith, emblematic of the American emigrant. It’s heartbreaking to see Fievel on his own AGAIN, his family mourning his loss AGAIN, and Tiger also lost in the unforgiving dry desert.

Tiger also gets some of the most bizarre facial expressions ever depicted in film:

Dollop on a racist depiction of “mouse Indians” who worship Fievel, a very impressive/convenient tumbleweed that takes Fievel to Green River in incredibly quick fashion, and a very disturbing sexualized version of Tanya, a mouse who’s probably the equivalent of like 10-11 in the sea of massive adult cats, and you have FIEVEL GOES WEST. Plus, the whole cats need to be dogs to be successful thing comes full circle, when Wylie Burp makes Tiger his deputy, in order to save the mice of Green River from Cat R. Waul, T.R. Chula (Jon Lovitz, represent), Frenchy and company. It’s the stuff film historians will be talking about for….forever.

Before I forget, here’s Tanya KILLING IT, with “Dreams to Dream”:

It’s no “Somewhere Out There,” but it’ll do.

The weirdest moment of the film has to be when a human woman grabs a cat, yells “Pussy!” and then puts the cat between her boobs. WHAT?!

Because a Disney movie from our childhood wouldn’t be complete without drinking, let’s get to the rules:

1. Drink for every Tanya song. Double it if the song saves Fievel’s life.

2. Sip whenever Fievel gets separated from his family, or Tiger.

3. Whenever Wylie Burp burps, drink.

4. Drink every time anyone tells Tiger he has to be more like a dog. This is the terrifying result of that transformation:

5. Take a drink for every tumbleweed!

6. Hell, drink for every Western cliche.

7. Drink for every different species of animal. You might think that just means cat, dog, mouse. You’d be wrong. Pay careful attention to the fateful cross-country tumbleweed scene. Bonus: Drink for cat/dog racism.

8. Whenever Fievel’s hat goes over his eyes, or he adjusts it, or it changes from western hat to emigrant hat, drink.

9. Drink whenever Wylie’s Sheriff badge glints in the sunlight or is adjusted.

10. Take a swill for every cat or dog or mouse pun/joke, ie. “..Look at what the cat dragged in…”

11. Whenever Fievel or Wylie Burp or someone blows their gun after they fire, because that’s what cowboys do in the west.

Expert Edition: Drink whenever Cat R. Waul or any of the other cats almost eat a mouse.

GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE is an unabashed TARZAN ripoff, but in America, if you can get away with it, ripoffs are celebrated and become franchises all their own. Yay laws of parody.

Believe it or not, GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE began as a cartoon series in 1967 (intro, above),  created by Jay Ward and Bill Scott. Jay Ward also created Rocky, Bullwinkle, Peabody, Sherman and Dudley Do-Right. He might’ve been the most important man in the universe.

A mere 30 years later veteran TV director Sam Weisman got his hands on the film adaptation. Sam Weisman directed practically every episode of FAMILY TIES, while also bringing one of the top cinematic pleasures of the 1990’s (or any decade) to the big screen, in D2: THE MIGHTY DUCKS. Unfortunately, he’d spend the rest of his life trying and failing to recapture that magic (unless IN PLAIN SIGHT is super good, I don’t fucking know).

GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE takes Tarzan, a love story about a man who grew up in the jungle, and makes him dumber than a stoned Jessica Simpson. He thinks his elephant is a dog…and his elephant Shep goes along with it. It’s hilarious that Ape (a Gorilla; great name), his bestie, is far smarter than George, because George is a human, you see.

When I was a kid, I definitely thought GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE was one of the greatest fucking things I’d ever seen. I had the theme song stuck in my head for way too long, and no longer was I web-slinging from building to building like Spidey. Now I was swinging from branch to branch like a moron, with the added benefit that I could do so shirtless, and finish by hitting into things, JUST LIKE THE CHARACTER.

Recently, I revisited this film with a few of my friends (after a couple of other movies/drinks), and…it didn’t age so well.

Brendan Fraser is kind of a lovable joke today, but GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE proved to be a turning point in his career, as it must have played a helping hand in getting the leading role in THE MUMMY, which he was perfect for. Aside from Nicolas Cage, is there an actor with more awful films on his resume? MONKEYBONE, BEDAZZLED, DUDLEY DO-RIGHT, ENCINO MAN (a film that stars Fraser AND Pauly Shore, an unholy combo), etc. In 1999, Brendan Fraser was one of the biggest leading men in Hollywood after THE MUMMY hit it big. By 2003, he was in LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION. Fraser’s IMDB reads as if every 3 years he HAS to star in the most deplorable film of that particular year. He’ll always have SCRUBS.

I still think there’s a comeback in Fraser, as he could totally rock a sitcom, or some Tim Allen-like role in a SANTA CLAUSE like farce, but after watching GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE, you kind of wonder why he ever existed in the first place.

Well, them abs.

John Cleese manages to avoid any flack for being in this film, because he’s (an) Ape, and probably the best part of the movie. The fact that John Cleese is in GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE went right above my head when I was 9 and first saw this film. Today, that fact is hilarious/sad.

I feel the most sorry for Leslie Mann, because Ursula essentially makes a fool of herself the entire movie and manages to fall in love with (a more “attractive”) Forrest Gump. I’m talking out of my ass, but this role effectively killed her career until she met and married Judd Apatow. Though, she was in BIG DADDY.

It’s Ross and Monica’s Mom too!

You know who I don’t feel sorry for? Thomas Haden Church. His role as Lyle Van de Groot consistently proves that there can always be worse acting, and this is a movie where Fraser is bouncing around making chimp noises for 92 minutes. But at least he was enthusiastic. Thomas Haden Church was being Thomas Haden Church. Though, of course, he always is that. But in GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE, it makes everything hurt.

Thankfully in the six years between the first film and its sequel (YEAH I KNOW), I grew some self-respect, and never saw GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE 2.

Christopher Showerman, who’s only qualification was to sort of look like Brendan Fraser and look good shirtless, took the reins in the sequel. Also, he apparently rides in an airplane shirtless, which is good, because there wasn’t enough shirtless scenes in the original. It’s kind of cute that a guy named Showerman looks perpetually like he’s about to get in a shower in the film.

Hilariously enough, Thomas Haden Church reprises his role as Lyle, John Cleese also returns as Ape (who could possibly replace him?) and Angus T. Suck (above, right) in Pre-TWO AND A HALF MEN form plays George’s SON (George Jr., naturally). Even more interestingly, Leslie Mann was switched out for Julie Benz of ANGEL and DEXTER fame, meaning that two of my favorite women in Hollywood both played one of the grossest female parts in film history.

In 2007, GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE resurfaced again in cartoon form (apparently every cartoon is modeled after THE WILD THORNBERRIES), because after missing the boat in ’77 and ’87, studios have made damn sure not to miss out on the opportunity to grace us with more George in a year that coincides with its anniversary. And this is a property no one cares about.

And because I wrote entirely too much about something no one cares about, onto the booze.

 GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE DRINKING GAME RULES:

1. Every time the film switches from live action to cartoon, drink.

2. Technically you could waterfall for this one, but drink every time GOTJ is “mocking”/ripping off Tarzan.

3. Drink for every crotch injury.

4. Whenever “Watch Out For That Tree!” is yelled, drink.

5. Take a sip every time George does his weird yodeling cry or makes chimp noises.

6. Waterfall for the opening theme song.

7. Drink every time Ursula calls George “fella.”

8. Sip every time the narrator says something. I’d sip liberally whenever it’s something idiotic.

9. Drink for every different kind of animal. I’d double it when they’re so obviously fake (like when George falls on top of a stuffed animal lion right before their fight/tickle/wrestle scene).

10. Sip on your beer whenever Thomas Haden Church is the worst part of this awful awful movie. The guy would somehow rebound and be nominated for an Oscar.

11. Whenever George refers to himself in the third person, drink.

12. Drink when George puts on human clothes. Society changes people. Stupid society.

AND FINALLY…

13. Drink if you would go opening day if this movie happened:

EXPERT VERSION: Sip for nips. It’s a general life rule that I play by (take a sip for every nip you see; it’s kind of awkward in the bedroom, but worse on the bus), but for GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE, this rule becomes life-threatening, as it’s a veritable PARADE of nipples, since Brendan Fraser is shirtless for 99% of the film (making rule #12 all the more special). Not to mention all the ape nipples you might catch, or any of the natives.

Normally, when a high concept sci-fi show gets cancelled on FOX or otherwise, it’s time for an uproar and decades of bemoaning the snubbed show’s fate. ALMOST HUMAN bucks that trend, as its somehow a J.J. Abrams/J.H. Wyman/Bad Robot dud that no one should miss in the fall. To celebrate the show’s end, I’ve cobbled together a list of awful, alternative titles for ALMOST HUMAN, that still would’ve netted a more positive result than whatever it is I spent 13 hours of my life watching over the past few months with Lili Taylor. These are the 17 shows I want more than season 2 of ALMOST HUMAN.

17. BEING HUMAN (SyFy, or BBC, depending on your favorite flavor)

ALMOST HUMAN was doomed from the start, if only because it was a confusing title, since there were already TWO different BEING HUMAN’s out there. I watched two of the three, and mixed them up several times in conversation.

I’ve never watched the BBC version (I know, shame on me), but the SyFy version that is coming to its end this year, is far superior to the cliche drivel that we were subject to in whatever city ALMOST HUMAN takes place in (they never said).

16. ALMOST LUMEN (SHO)

Remember Lumen Pierce (Julia Stiles)? She was one of the special guest stars in season 5 of DEXTER, following the orgasmic (and should’ve been final) fourth season with the Trinity Killer. It was a tough act to follow, and little did we know that DEXTER would never successfully build off of it…for another 3 seasons.

ALMOST LUMEN would be a prequel series, chronicling the brutal origins of “The Group,” the band of men who raped, tortured and ruined Lumen Pierce’s life, leading up to when Dexter found her, rescued her, and let her embrace her Dark Passenger. It’d be a horrible series.

Or, ALMOST LUMEN would take place AFTER the events of DEXTER season 5, in which Lumen’s Dark Passenger has healed, and she tries to live a normal, if fractured, life, unable to ever completely live happily ever after. Ew.

15. ALMOST POOPIN’ (TLC)

13 years after the term “prairie dogging” was made famous in RAT RACE comes this reality show about men and women that are in a perpetual state of ALMOST POOPIN’. It’s painful, life or death, riveting stuff.

14. ALMOST LUPIN (POTTERMORE)

An adult take on HARRY POTTER‘s most underrated (and tragic) character, it would be Pottermore’s first foray into original content, and would blow up the internet faster than an Ellen DeGeneres selfie. The show would bounce back and forth between the past and future, with a young Remus growing up during his formative years at Hogwarts, while first grappling with his fate as a werewolf, and could cut to Teddy Lupin, his only son and Metamorphagus, dealing with hormones and being a sad sack orphan. Or it could be a heartbreaking but illuminating alternate history, detailing the life of what Lupin WOULD’VE become if he had never been mauled by a werewolf (spoilers: a death eater).

13. ALMOST GROOMIN’ (ANIMAL PLANET)

In this (literally) touching reality show, a group of talented but arrogant contestants face off in the ultimate competition: to become the world’s next great dog groomer. Blessed with a brush and a rotating cast of high maintenance puppies, you’ll have to shed a slew of shows to make room on your DVR. Ruff.

12. ALMOST BLOOMIN’ (FOOD NETWORK)

It’s the world’s first infomercial/original series hybrid that would change the way we consume pop culture, and onions. The brilliant maneuver by Outback Steakhouse would start a disturbing trend of chain restaurant TV shows (OLD MCDONALD’S, BURGER KING OF QUEENS, WENDY’S DRIVE THRU, JARED’S JEANS). Bloomin’ Onions would remain delicious and unhealthy.

This could also be a show about prepubescent girls before getting their periods. Or a show about actual flowers. Or a BRAVO show about guys and gals before they come out, and “bloom” into the gay man or woman they’ve always wanted to be. Aw.

11. ALMOST HUMMUS (TRAVEL CHANNEL)

How hard is it to make hummus? Find out in this eye opening docuseries spanning the Middle East and a whole lot of chick peas.

10. ALMOST FUMIN’ (HGTV)

While you might mistaken it for another Gordon Ramsay cooking show, this enlightening reality series invites viewers into the homes of those who fumigate ours. Find out what they’re really doing under those carnival tents while you’re stuck at a Motel 6.

9. NEARLY ALIEN (HISTORY CHANNEL)

This controversial series follows Detritus, the first kid born in space. When he returns home…he’s treated like an outcast, a misfit, the first alien. Some would anoint him as their messiah.

Or it’s about a Canadian.

8. NEARLY HEADLESS NICK (STARZ)

John Cleese reprises his role as the only ghost who actually gets older, in a prequel series when Nearly Headless Nick isn’t nearly headless, but still called Nick by his friends (that aren’t executing him).

7. ALMOST DUM DUM DUGAN (ABC)

This remarkable original series from Marvel and ABC would chronicle Dum Dum Dugan’s tortured and overlooked life as Nick Fury’s second in command known more for his bowler hat, mustache and his stupid fucking name than anything else.

JUSTIFIED’s Neal McDonough would retake the mantle of Dugan, and the big “twist” would be that the entire series wasn’t about Dum Dum Dugan at all, but the Skrull who took his place during SECRET INVASION (above). It’d be like getting to know and love Mad Eye Moody for a whole movie/book and realizing he was really a super villain played by David Tennant, only the pain would last for 3 seasons (Brian Michael Bendis would be the head writer).

6. ALMOST GOOD (BET)

Ostensibly a joke about the quality (or lack thereof) of ALMOST HUMAN, ALMOST GOOD would be a tissue-inducing (happy and sad), behind the scenes look into the life and career of Meagan Good. Despite her stunning body, good looks and talent, she’s wracked with self-doubt and stress (explaining why she’d shack up with Will Ferrell in ANCHORMAN 2), struggling to be as Good as she wants to be.

5. ALMOST CREWMAN (SyFy)

Timothy Bottleneck has always wanted to be on the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise. But because of his flat feet and bad hygiene, he continually fails the exams to qualify for Starfleet. In this quasi-REDSHIRTS ripoff, Timothy would learn over the course of a jam-packed 10 seasons that it’s better to be sucky and alive, than slightly better at life and dead.

You could also replace the Enterprise with the Titanic, or a dude whose dream is to work for a Disney Cruise boat, and is just far too creepy looking to ever get hired. All would be inspiring.

4. ALMOST CUMIN (FOOD NETWORK)

Is there a better spice than Cumin? There’s a reason cum is in the word. This pulse-pounding and salivating reality show would detail a battle of the remaining spices, hoping, straining, trying to be as tasty and useful as Cumin. And ultimately failing miserably.

3. ALMOST TRUMAN (LIFETIME)

The 33rd President of the U.S. and Missouri native was perhaps the most under-appreciated Prez in our nation’s history, given the unenviable task of following FDR in the midst of WWII.

Samuel Lebell says it best in his American Political Science Association award winning novel TRUMAN SUCKS (okay, so it was titled “The Future of American Politics”):

“…after seven years of Truman’s hectic, even furious, activity the nation seemed to be about on the same general spot as when he first came to office … Nowhere in the whole Truman record can one point to a single, decisive break-through … All his skills and energies—and he was among our hardest-working Presidents—were directed to standing still.”

Writers win awards talking shit about Truman. Almost beloved, almost successful, almost popular, almost Truman.

Only after he was dead and American citizens were offered the option of Richard Nixon and the Vietnam War, did they come to appreciate Harry S. Truman.

Poor Harry Sherbet Truman.

2. ALMOST, NEWMAN (NBC)

You’re welcome.

Wayne Knight’s long-awaited return to fame, where Newman gets the last laugh. Always.

AND THEN FINALLY…

1. OLMOS HUMAN (CBS)

The greatest actor in the history of the universe gets his own spotlight on TV’s biggest and “most watched” network. Each episode is different: a true variety show. EJO pitching Acne cream. EJO re-enacting speeches as Admiral Adama from BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (there wouldn’t be any almost cumin for that one). EJO hosting a talk show (that gravelly voice). EJO reading books to malnourished children. EJO curing cancer. EJO as every character in a soap opera. EJO doing whatever the fuck he wanted, because he’s OLMOS HUMAN, which is to say, he’s better than us all.

So say we all.