For those who grew up in the 90’s, Macaulay Culkin was our childhood. I could care less about Ri$hie Rich, but he made me cry in My Girl, laugh in Uncle Buck, and want to be him in the Home Alone series. When I saw him at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood last year, I almost collapsed, afraid that I couldn’t exist in the same space-time as a guy who helped me grow up. Say whatever you want about Culkin’s life as a child actor and beyond, we all owe him a debt that will likely never be paid.

The evidence is in The Pagemaster, one of the most underrated animated treasures of the 1990’s, a film that is currently enjoying its 20th anniversary.

Richard Tyler is a scaredy-cat loser who won’t even go up into the treehouse Stan Sitwellhis Dad builds for him. He probably emptied out a Sports Authority’s safety equipment section just to ride his bike home. He was me; I was always shit with bikes, and terrified of new experiences. I wouldn’t be comfortable playing sports, games or anything until I was reasonably confident that I’d be one of the best in the class at it. I’m still that way with Pool. Risk was a board game, not something you actually took.

In the midst of a massive storm, Richard finds himself in The Library. Watching it now, the idea of a kid ever going to a library seems quaint, so much more magical/surprising than it was in 1994. Nowadays the library is where the homeless keep warm, or a place where the desperate seek free WIFI and glumly pay to print their resumes. Why else would you be in the library? Shamefully, society reads books on Kindles and iPAD’s, and if we succumb to actual paper-bound books, we order them from Amazon. Why read books for free when we can pay for them? The Pagemaster makes you want the world of your childhood back, when your class would take “field trips” to the library and force you to sign up for a library card, a quasi-religious experience that felt like you were signing up for a cult/skeevy daycare.

The Pagemaster grasps onto the power of books, of reading, of the Library, and paints it as a fantastical realm, with books that are as Alive as you or I. Books are (literally) our friends. Anyone who’s ever had a lonely afternoon reading Harry Potter knows this to be unequivocally true. The Pagemaster trumpets the power of reading, be it Adventure, Fantasy, and even the misunderstood genre of Horror. You could lose yourself into a world, embrace danger, daring and learn about yourself in the process. Pagemaster showed losers you could be a heroic sword-wielding knight who could take on a dragon, even if you looked like Macaulay Culkin, who looked like a big time dweeb in this movie, animated or otherwise:

What do I do with my hands?

And:

But by the end, thanks to his Bookish friends, Richard Tyler wasn’t afraid anymore. I said, “I’m not afraid anymore!”

The Pagemaster stars the holy triumvirate of sci-fi actors: Patrick Stewart, Christopher Lloyd and Leonard Nimoy. Or if you want to broaden it to the Mount Rushmore of Sci-Fi, you could throw Whoopi Goldberg in there (Ghost, dudes!), and you’d be wrong. Interestingly, Pagemaster not only stars Captain Picard and Guinan (Whoopi on TNG), but also Robert Picardo (The Doctor from Star Trek: Voyager). It’s not hard to see the Star Trek DNA strands weaving throughout Pagemaster.

Patrick Stewart wonderfully plays against type, against his persona and the genre expectation that he’s cultivated, by being Adventure, a Pirate ruffian of a book. Leonard Nimoy similarly subverts our supposition, by being Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in a memorable scene:

Whoopi is Whoopi/nobody’s Fantasy, while Christopher Lloyd is Mr. Dewey (get it?), the Librarian AND the Pagemaster, the wizard overlord of Richard’s literary journey that includes Treasure Island, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, Moby Dick and Alice in Wonderland. You kind of wish the boy had traveled in more unique worlds; even in 1994 those four were overplayed. Regardless, the Pagemaster is a role that only Christopher Lloyd can play, and one that he probably still could. Like Culkin, Christopher Lloyd was an inextricable link to my childhood, the perfect choice to play the gatekeeper of Magic.

Until recently, Back to the Future was my answer for favorite movie of all-time (now it’s Galaxy Quest). Lloyd’s excitable, brilliant Doc Brown was a massive part of that. But the man was also Uncle Fester in Addams Family and Addams Family Values, Judge Doom in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, and the Boss Angel in Angels in the Outfield. He was even Rasputin in Anastasia. The guy has his fingerprints all over the most important films from the 1990’s and is the man tasked with showing us the power of imagination, the kind of groan-inducing maxim that I still can’t get enough of.

I could talk about Pagemaster forever. Its unparalleled cast, its shitty animation, that the incomparable Phil Hartman voices Tom Morgan (above), one of Long John Silver’s pirate cohorts, but I’m getting thirsty, and I suspect so are you. So…on with it:

DRINKING RULES

1. Drink whenever Richard Tyler and company jump inside a book.

2. Take a sip for every reference to a storm, and every stormy scene.

3. You gotta drink for every dragon scene. This video is admittedly awful quality, but highlights one of the coolest/creepiest moments from the movie:

4. Whenever we see the library’s “Exit” sign, or Tyler draws it in the sand or something equally pathetic/poignant, drink.

5. Drink whenever Richard is scared.

6. Sip on the drink of your choice whenever Richard wields a sword.

7. Drink whenever we meet a new book.

8. If you ever find yourself reading the title of a book, or recognize a book’s spine, drink, you snob.

9. You best be drinking whenever there’s a book pun. You’ll know it when it happens.

10. Whenever Horror (voiced by Frank Welker) unleashes his dumbass laugh, drink. Also, watch this loving tribute to the most underrated Book in the film:

11. Drink whenever Richard/Culkin adjusts his glasses, or loses them, or all the different things that happens to nerds who wears specs. Consider this the Giles rule, a permanent staple when any character wears glasses. Because they never stop fucking with them.

12. Whenever cartoons and reality exist in the same scene, drink. Consider this the Space Jam rule.

EXPERT EDITION: Just drink for Christopher Lloyd. Every time. He deserves it.

Until last weekend, I had never seen ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, a 1987 classic from director Chris Columbus. This is to say, that until last weekend, I had never lived.

The film, which you can guess at even if you don’t already know the film by heart, is about Chris Parker (eternal teen crush Elisabeth Shue), a High school senior tasked with taking care of a hormonal High school freshman Brad (Keith Coogan) and his younger sister Sara (Maia Brewton).

Of course Brad has a crush on Chris, and of course he’s way too old to have a babysitter (15), but that situation is as old as mankind itself, and just as relatable. I’m sure the cavemen were doing the same thing, and besides, this was the 80’s, dammit. Throw in a comedic, sarcastic jackass sidekick in Daryl (Anthony Rapp of RENT fame, another Chris Columbus joint) and an annoying “best friend” of Chris’ in Brenda (THE ARTIST and KINDERGARTEN COP’s Penelope Ann Miller), and you have the makings of adventure.

Brenda is only one thing: the inciting incident, because she decides she wants to run away from home. She gets to the train station before she’s out of money, crying and requiring rescue. That plot point is almost entirely forgotten (thankfully) once it successfully brings Chris and the kids out of the suburbs and into…the city, where all manner of hijinx and danger can happen. Brenda loses her glasses and sucks for the rest of the movie, providing ready made bathroom breaks.

Once in the city, I’m not really sure how Chris and company become carjacked by “badass” criminal Joe Gipp, but Joe Gipp is awesome (above), and because Brad steals a Playboy with some vague super secret plans written in them once at Gipp’s bosses lair, Chris and company have marked targets on their backs.

The 80’s touchstone is probably the 79th most important film ever made, for many reasons. For one, it was Chris Columbus’ directorial debut. The guy went on to define everyone’s childhood with HOME ALONE, HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK and MRS. DOUBTFIRE. Say what you want about the first two HARRY POTTER films, but the guy presumably had the last say on almost all of the casting and created that rich, magical film world. Most would argue that Alfonso Cuaron truly fleshed it out, and added whimsy, depth and gravity to the proceedings, but Columbus gave him a strong foundation to explore. He clearly gets kids, and may be one of the best directors for children’s movies ever, and he had a knack for creating a rollicking family movie from the get go.

(The less said about BICENTENNIAL MAN, the better.)

Chris Parker was perfect, not only because she had a guy’s name, and that’s hott (I blame DAWSON’S CREEK), but because she was portrayed by Elisabeth Shue (she’s really good at the above look).

Elisabeth Shue is one of the most fascinating actresses of the 1980’s. Her breakout role came as Ali in the original KARATE KID. When I watched that film for the first time as a kid, I was captivated by her the moment I saw her, much like the king, Ralph Macchio, who was about the most relatable teenager there is. There’s nothing more embarrassing than this awkward meet up on their first date:

I also couldn’t have rooted for their romance more during their theme park visit.

Soon, Elisabeth Shue became the dream girl, but an attainable one, because she always seems so nice, charming and genuine. She has that girl next door vibe, hell, she might have created it, and is one of the reasons our childhoods seem so depressing by comparison, since girls like Elisabeth Shue don’t exist next door. Or if they did, I wouldn’t be wasting my Friday afternoon writing about a movie that features Bradley Whitford’s finest onscreen performance as dickhead boyfriend (his license plate actually reads “So Cool”).

After KARATE KID, Shue apparently starred in LINK, where she had to outsmart a murderous orangutan, which has vaulted to the top of my To-Watch list. But it was her leading role in ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING that truly launched her career and cemented her place as 80’s heartthrob. She would go on to win Tom Cruise’s heart in COCKTAIL and Michael J. Fox’s in BACK TO THE FUTURE II and III (she replaced a wooden Claudia Wells in the sequels).

There was a lull in the early 1990’s, or at least that’s my assumption, since I’ve hardly heard of any of her roles during that time, until LEAVING LAS VEGAS, when she slayed embodying the hooker with the heart of gold trope. She had the pleasure of watching Nicolas Cage kill himself with alcohol, a thankless role that netted her Shue’s only Oscar nomination. She followed that up with Woody Allen’s DECONSTRUCTING HARRY in 1997, and has bounced around since (including a turn in the star-studded PIRANHA 3D), until landing a role in CSI in 2012.

Shue’s best performance was likely LEAVING LAS VEGAS (thus, Oscar recognition), but ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is probably my favorite. She’s not simply the leading man’s love interest. Here, she’s the star and manages to do it all: slapstick comedy, romance, heartbreak, singing, dancing and Schwarzeneggerian one-liners. There might not be a better line than, “Don’t fuck with the babysitter.”

(This comes after Brad stupidly/adorably defends Chris in front of the Lords of Hell, by calling him a big city scum sucker, and then getting a knife in the toe a la Chandler on FRIENDS)

Her lip-syncing to The Crystals’ “Then He Kissed Me” during the opening credits of ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is a veritable star is born moment. The exact time and place when Elisabeth Shue became the girl next door of the 1980’s, a look and vibe that was copied and borrowed time and time again in many movies after. In most slasher flicks, the monstrous villain is running after a version of Elisabeth Shue, because we care about Elisabeth Shue.

That is literally a female version of Tom Cruise in RISKY BUSINESS. Then there’s this hilariously bad “Babysitting Blues” performance to save their lives:

But…Elisabeth Shue is not the best part about ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, though the movie would’ve tanked without her.

Nay, the best part was Sara, the youngest of the kids that Chris is responsible for. I don’t know if I can remember a movie where the youngest child is the best, funniest and coolest of the ensemble. They’re almost always annoying, living, breathing, spittling warnings against parenthood. Instead, Sara is a girl who wears Thor’s helmet, draws Thor comics, and has a Thor poster on her wall. In the 1980’s, almost thirty years before Chris Hemsworth would make the Norse God a sex symbol and supremely cool. Sara has all the best lines, is mischievous, sassy, and has a good heart. She is so great that I hope I run into her adult self and fall in love. Where are you, Maia Brewton?

This clip, which likely was buried in a time capsule to show future mankind (or the aliens of GALAXY QUEST) what life was like in 1987, is probably the greatest thing ever:

Can you imagine seeing that today? Thor is a legitimate plot point in the movie. She has a replica Mjolnir, she wears the helmet, wears a red cape and matching Weasley Christmas sweater, and their asses are saved BY Thor.

And by Thor, I mean Dawson, a blond giant mechanic who kinda looks like a Santa Mall version of Thor. Dawson is played by a blond Vincent D’Onofrio, which is one of the least heroic things I can think of. Even in 1987, it barely works:

But it’s no less awesome to behold, which is what I could say for the entire 102 minutes of this movie.

ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is chock full of moments where you’ll just giggle and comment, “Oh, the eighties,” sigh and wish you were back there, at least for a John Hughes curated school dance.

There’s even an endearing dude with a claw.