MINI-SPOILERS ABOUND.
During this last watch-through of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (yes, this was Buffy-binge #8) I really had a wonderful appreciation of all the speeches that happened over the course of those glorious seven seasons. There were some funny ones, some touching ones, some angering ones and because I spend way more time on Buzzfeed than I’ll ever admit, I decided to do one more BtVS ranking of all the best ones. Below is a comprehensive list of the top 25 BtVS wordsmithings. When necessary they’ve been edited together to exclude interrupting dialogue, or little snippets that were not wholly necessary to the point of the speech. A few had to have minimal lines of the opposing dialogue and those are marked (in parenthesis). Good luck, and I’d grab a box of tissues if I was you.
____________
25. I’d shame myself forever if I left this little blurb off the list because the fact is, this was the most uncomfortably erotic speech in the entire show (although that balcony scene at the Bronze in season 6… Don’t act like you don’t know exactly which one I’m talking about. ‘Cause Gawddamn.) You couldn’t stop squirming and blushing and looking away and peeping through your fingers the entire time that Faith/Buffy/Bodyswap inched closer and closer to… the champagne. But srsly, name me one person who didn’t love this scene. Go on. I’ll wait.
Faith [in Buffy’s body], 4×16/Who Are You (Part 2): ‘Cause I’m a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun? ‘Cause I could do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I’ve got muscles you’ve never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you’d beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don’t? Because it’s wrong.
____________
24. This one surprised me being so low on the list. It was one of my favorite episodes, yet the end speech was a little lack-luster compared to some of the other hunkers on the list. It’s still touching, but not quite the tear jerker without having watched the entire episode first.
Buffy, 5×22/The Gift: Dawn, listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles– tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I’m okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.
____________
23. The first time we get a little sassy-Willow speech. It was not to be trifled with nor ignored. Poor Giles and Angel got scolded.
Willow, 2×05/Reptile Boy: Well… Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she’s the Chosen One, but you’re killing her with the pressure! I mean, she’s sixteen going on forty! And you! I mean, you’re gonna live forever! You don’t have time for a cup of coffee?!
____________
22. Our first intimate encounter with the self-righteous side of our slayer. Basically, if you can get through this speech without wanting to slap her indignant face, you’re in good shape. If you can’t… Just stop watching the show. (But really, this speech was great.)
Buffy, 1×01/Welcome to the Hellmouth (Part 1): Cool! But, okay, first of all, I’m a Vampire Slayer. And secondly, I’m retired. Hey, I know! Why don’t you kill ’em? Oh, come on, stake through the heart, a little sunlight– It’s like falling off a log. (A, a Slayer slays, a Watcher–) Watches? (Yes. No! He, he trains her, he, he, he prepares her–) Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead. Prepare me.
____________
21. This was actually one of my least favorite speeches in the show because Buffy’s ego is the size of Carrot Tops’ hair, but it still serves to illustrate a good point: The rules and laws of keeping balance between good and evil are Buffy’s, and Buffy’s alone. We’ve known it the entire show, but it hasn’t truly been tested in a few seasons. It was a good way to start the finale season by getting back to the basics.
Buffy, 7×05/Selfless: I don’t care what she’s going through! I killed Angel! Do you even remember that? I would have given up everything I had to be with— I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life. And I put a sword through his heart because I had to. Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you. Do you remember giving me Willow’s message: Kick his ass? …It’s always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line, and that is always going to be me. You get down on me for cutting myself off, but in the end the slayer is always cut off. There’s no mystical guidebook. No all-knowing council. Human rules don’t apply. There’s only me. I am the law.
____________
20. Again, with the Willowtude. For a brief moment we catch a glimpse of her power and the woman she’s still turning into: powerful and resolute.
- No good GIF of BossWillow immediately available. Sad face.
Willow, 5×21/Weight of the World: Buffy’s out. Glory has Dawn. Sometime real soon, she’s gonna use Dawn to tear down the barrier between every dimension there is. So if you two wanna fight, do it after the world ends, okay? All right. First we head back to Sunnydale. Xander’ll take Giles to a hospital. Anya’s looking after Tara. And Spike, you find Glory. Check her apartment, see if she’s still there. Try anything stupid, like payback, and I will get very cranky. Everyone clear?
____________
19. This. For how little we saw of Mr. Travers, he sure made a huge impact on the fandom. My only real problem is that we didn’t see him again (until he got blowed up, anyway). Any communication between Buffy and The Watchers’ Council was perfect, and this speech was even doubly more perfect. I’m still dreaming of a Watchers’ Council spinoff…
Buffy, 5×12/Checkpoint: Glory came to my home today. Just to talk. She told me I’m a bug; I’m a flea; she could squash me in a second. Only she didn’t. She came into my home, and we talked. We had what in her warped brain probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her. You guys didn’t come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning. You’re Watchers. Without a Slayer, you’re pretty much just watchin’ Masterpiece Theater. You can’t stop Glory. You can’t do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the “Everyone Thinks We’re Insane-O’s Home Journal.” So here’s how it’s gonna work: you’re gonna tell me everything you know. Then you’re gonna go away. You’ll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory…I will continue my work with the help of my friends– We’re talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon. The boy has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He’s part of the unit. You all may be very good at your jobs. The only way we’re gonna find out is if you work with me. You can all take your time thinking about that. But I want an answer right now from Quentin, ’cause I think he’s understanding me.
____________
18. This episode. This speech. This everything. We saw little bits of William (and William the Bloody) here and there throughout the series, but this episode was wonderful. It not only gave us more insight into William as a human, but also into what helped turn him into the monster we first met back in Season 2. Not to mention the chemistry (or, as some argue, sexual tension) between James Marsters and D.B. Woodside was phenomenal.
Spike, 7×17/Lies My Parents Told Me: I wasn’t talking to you. I don’t give a piss about your mum. She was a slayer. I was a vampire. That’s the way the game is played. She knew what she was signing up for. (Well, I didn’t sign up for it.) Well, that’s the rub, innit? You didn’t sign up for it. (…She was my world.) And you weren’t hers. Doesn’t that piss you off? I know slayers. No matter how many people they’ve got around them, they fight alone. Life of the chosen one. The rest of us be damned. Your mother was no different. (No, she loved me.) But not enough to quit, though, was it? Not enough to walk away– For you. I’ll tell you a story about a mother and son. See, like you, I loved my mother. 
So much so I turned her into a vampire, so we could be together forever. She said some nasty bits to me after I did that. Been weighing on me for quite some time. But you helped me figure something out. You see, unlike you, I had a mother who loved me back. When I sired her, I set loose a demon, and it tore into me, but it was the demon talking, not her. I realize that now. My mother loved me with all her heart. I was her world.
____________
17. Firstly, did anyone else love how Spike was there when her mom found out about her? No? Just me? This entire scene was so masterfully conceived – a coming out that didn’t allow for a sit-down-show-and-tell, but rather an in-your-face-can’t-talk-gotta-go-kick-some-demon-ass where Buffy has to physically push her mother off of her so she can leave the house… Yowza. This entire sequence brought even more tension to already horrifying situation.
Buffy, 2×22/Becoming (Part 2): Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences. How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven’t figured it out? No, it doesn’t stop! It never stops! Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, God, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.
____________
16. Spike and Riley’s chemistry was unbelievable at times, and who didn’t love watching the two of them fight over Miss Summers? We’d been watching Spike pine and try to forget his feelings for B for a long time by the time episode 10 happened, but the moment that he confesses – out loud – to Riley – that he’s into Buffy, there’s a beauttiful moment of vulnerability that the two doomed fellas share that just heartbreaking. And maybe a little sexy. Maybe.
Spike, 5×10/Into the Woods: Look at you. All afraid I’m hot for your honey. (Because you are.) Well … yeah. But that’s not your problem. Even if I wasn’t in the picture, you’re never gonna be able to hold onto her… Come on. You’re not the long haul guy and you know it. You know it. Or else you wouldn’t be getting suck jobs from two-bit vampire trulls. The girl needs some monster in her man … and that’s not in your nature. No matter how low you try to go. (You actually think you’ve got a shot with her?) No, I don’t. Fella’s gotta try, though. Gotta do what he can… Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you’re holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you. The scent– No, you got the better deal.
____________
15. Anya had quite a few great words to share over the course of the show. This speech in particular was something the fans adored. It was yet another layer on top of the foundation Anya laid out in “The Body” where she’s slowly starting to become more and more human, and appreciating and admiring their strength (against her better judgment).
Anya, 7×21/End of Days: And they have no purpose that unites them so they just drift around blundering through life until they die which they know is coming yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They’re incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane– And yet here’s the thing. When it’s something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they’re lame morons for fighting but they do. They never– they never quit. And so I guess I will keep fighting, too.
____________
14. We already knew Angel was leaving the show for his spin-off, but having such an exquisite and delightfully maniacal villain speak the truth neither Buffy or Angel wanted to hear was the perfect push out the door.
- Unfortunately GIFs of The Mayor during S3 are scarce, so here’s this instead.
Mayor 3×19/Choices: Well, I wish you kids the best, I really do. But if you don’t mind a bit of fatherly advice, I, uh, I-I just don’t see much of a future for you two. I don’t sense a lasting relationship. And not just because I plan to kill you. You two have a bumpy road ahead. God, you kids, you know. You don’t like to think about the future. You don’t like to make plans…Yeah, and that’s just one of the things you’re going to have to deal with. You’re immortal, she’s not…I married my Edna May in ought-three and I was with her right until the end. Not a pretty picture. Wrinkled and senile and cursing me for my youth. Wasn’t our happiest time. And let’s not forget the fact that any moment of true happiness will turn you evil. I mean, come on. What kind of a life can you offer her? I don’t see a lot of Sunday picnics in the offing. I see skulking in the shadows, hiding from the sun. She’s a blossoming young girl and you want to keep her from the life she should have until it has passed her by. My God! I think that’s a little selfish. Is that what you came back from Hell for? Is that your greater purpose?
____________
13. This little dialogue was such a beautiful precursor to the horror of Xander’s plight that followed mere minutes after. Poor Xand.
Xander 7×18/Dirty Girls: Let me tell you something about Buffy. In fact, you should all listen to this. I’ve been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She’s stopped everything that’s ever come up against her. She’s laid down her life—literally—to protect the people around her. This girl has died two times, and she’s still standing. You’re scared? That’s smart. You got questions? You should. But you doubt her motives, you think Buffy’s all about the kill, then you take the little bus to battle. I’ve seen her heart, and this time—not literally—and I’m telling you, right now, she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She’s earned it.
____________
12. Anyone who can watch such a young, babyfaced Buffy crying about how she doesn’t want to die at 16 without bawling themselves is dead inside.
Buffy 1×12/Prophecy Girl: So that’s it, huh? I remember the drill. One Slayer dies, next one’s called. Wonder who she is. Will you train her? Or will they send someone else? They say how he’s gonna kill me? Do you think it’ll hurt? Don’t touch me! Were you even gonna tell me? I’ve got a way around it. I quit!…I resign, I-I’m fired, you can find someone else to stop the Master from taking over! The signs? Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! You’re so useful sitting here with all your books! You’re really a lotta help! What do you know about this? You’re never gonna die! I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention! I don’t care! I don’t care. Giles, I’m sixteen years old. I don’t wanna die.
____________
11. Spike had some great speeches over the course of the show. Some really, really great speeches. I’d be the worst fan in the history of fandom if I excluded his dark, twisted jab at Buffy during an all-time favorite, “Fool for Love.” The editing of this scene, cutting between Nikki Wood and Buffy with the voiceover of Spike taunting Buffy as he explained how he killed Wood was just excellent. Bravo.
Spike 5×07/Fool for Love: The first was all business but the second, she had a touch of your style. She was cunning, resourceful… oh, did I mention? Hot. I could have danced all night with that one. That’s all we’ve ever done. And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it’s the same bloody question that haunts you: is today the day I die? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it’s gonna catch you. And part of you wants it– Not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you’re just a little bit in love with it. Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know:What’s it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that’s the secret. Not the punch you didn’t throw or the kicks you didn’t land. Every Slayer has a death wish. Even you. The only reason you’ve lasted as long as you have is you’ve got ties to the world: your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here but you’re just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you’re gonna want it. And the second- the second- that happens– You know I’ll be there. I’ll slip in. Have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you’ll like it as much as she did.
____________
10. We knew something was wrong. We all understood that Buffy came back from the dead and obviously she was different, but we knew there had to be something more. I just don’t think any of us really expected this. I, for one, never predicted the huge curveball that they threw at the audience: that Buffy was in heaven. A quiet and haunting one-sided-exchange between our fallen hero (see what I did there?) and the demon who would die for her helped establish the tumultuous relationship they would undertake until the end.
Buffy 6×03/After Life: I was happy. Wherever I was, I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn’t mean anything nothing had form but I was still me, you know? And I was warm and I was loved and I was finished. Complete. I don’t understand about theology or dimensions, or any of it, really but I think I was in heaven. And now I’m not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out by my friends. Everything here is hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch– this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that knowing what I’ve lost– They can never know. Never.
____________
9. I did not include this speech in the top ten because it was Spike [yet again] professing his love to our bubbly blond (although who didn’t love that?). I included it because it was the first time we really saw his soul since he got it back. The Spike of Season 6 was all about seducing Buffy into darkness, yet this Spike can only tell her how much he loves who she truly is. It, for me, the actual turning point of his character (although they [and more specifically, he] had quite a few tender moments throughout the season.)
Spike 7×20/Touched: Oh, no, no. Let’s hold on here. I’m hummed along to your pity-ditty, and I think I should have the mic for a bit. You’re insufferable. I’m not trying to cheer you up. I don’t know. I’ll know when I’m done saying it. Something pissed me off, and I just— “Unattainable.” That’s it. You listen to me. I’ve been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine, and done things I prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls. A 100+ years, and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of: you. Hey, look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say, “I love you,” it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a woman.
____________
8. Buffy’s been beat the eff down. What’s she do? Get up and tell everyone how she’s gonna kick Evil’s ass. If that’s not the definition of why we love her, nothing is.
Buffy 7×10/Bring on the Night: I’m beyond tired. I’m beyond scared. I’m standing on the mouth of hell, and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it’ll choke on me. We’re not ready? They’re not ready. They think we’re gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I’m done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Oh, we’ll give ’em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now.’Cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won’t just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts one by one, until The First shows itself for what it really is. And I’ll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil, and that’s us. Any questions?
____________
7. In re-watching BtVS, I had to admit that I really loved Faith in Season 7. Her time in jail and the shows’ progression and maturity over the years really did wonders to her characters’ development. She came back to SunnyD with the same bad-girl attitude with a better head on her shoulders and much more self-awareness than she had when she left, and this scene was all we really wanted over the course of the show: for our girls to realize that they were the same.
Faith 7×21/End of Days: So, here’s the laugh riot. My whole life I’ve been a loner. No ties, no buddies, no relationships that lasted longer than… well, Robin lasted pretty long. Boy’s got stamina. OK. The point. Me, by myself all the time. I’m looking at you, everything you have, and, I don’t know, jealous.Then there I am. Everybody’s looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. And that’s you every day, isn’t it? There’s only supposed to be one. Maybe that’s why you and I can never get along. We’re not supposed to exist together. (I guess everyone’s alone. But being a slayer? There’s a burden we can’t share.) And no one else can feel it. Thank God we’re hot chicks with superpowers.
____________
6. Anya’s speech in “Empty Places” was a point of contention among fans for a long, long time (and probably still is). Some thought Anya was completely out of line and had no authority to pass any kind of judgment against Buffy, yet I tend to the think the opposite. This was a powerful, disturbing moment when all of her friends have turned against for the first time in a long time, and even with all her power, Buffy is powerless to change their minds. Anya always had a bit of truth serum running through her veins, and with this little bit she finally let loose and scolded Buffy for having a superiority complex.
Anya 7×19/Empty Places: And it’s automatically you. You really do think you’re better than we are.But we don’t know. We don’t know if you’re actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that’s the legacy. But you didn’t earn it. You didn’t work for it. You’ve never had anybody come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn’t make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.
____________
5. No explanation necessary.
Opening Speech: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
____________
4. I loved this speech. It wasn’t just empowering to the Potentials in Buffyverse, but empowering to all girls and women – every girl does have the power to stand up, so why want until you’re told it’s ok? Do it the fuck now.
Buffy 7×22/Chosen: I hate this. I hate being here. I hate that you have to be here. I hate that there’s evil, and that I was chosen to fight it. I wish a whole lot of the time that I hadn’t been. I know a lot of you wish I hadn’t been either. But this isn’t about wishes. This is about choices. I believe we can beat this evil. Not when it comes, not when its army is ready, now. Tomorrow morning I’m opening the seal. I’m going down into the Hellmouth, and I’m finishing this once and for all. Right now you’re asking yourself, “What makes this different? What makes us anything more than a bunch of girls being picked off one by one?” It’s true none of you have the power that Faith and I do. So here’s the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power now? In every generation, one slayer is born because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a slayer will be a slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power; can stand up, will stand up. Slayers every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?
____________
3. I don’t know whether to rank this higher or lower because of Emma Caulfield’s confession that she was crying because she really had to pee and they wouldn’t let her until they finished the scene. Regardless, the emotional impact of this speech is what brought fans to their knees praising her performance until the show’s finale two years later.
Anya 5×16/The Body: But I don’t understand! I don’t understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she’s– there’s just a body, and I don’t understand why she just can’t get back in it and not be dead anymore! It’s stupid! It’s mortal and stupid! And, and Xander’s crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she’ll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.
____________
2. All these years, and Xander has always been the laughing joke, the boy with no power, the useless human whose only contribution is sarcasm. And here, in this speech that gets me misty-eyed just by reading it, he has once again proved that he is so much more. His awareness of who he is and what he does and how he helps is so far from the nerdy joker we met back in Season 1. He truly is the heart of the Scoobies. Once again, he reminds us why we, the fans, lean on him for support and strength, and at the same time gets those who hadn’t noticed before that moment to recognize the wonderful character Dawn has finally become. She started off as a brat that you’d bury 6-feet under if given the chance, yet over the first half of this season (and even some of late-6), she’s become an intelligent, confident young woman who is not only devoted to the cause but provides some of the most valuable support in the entire season.
Xander 7×12/Potential: Aw, I’m just thinking about the girls. It’s a harsh gig, being a potential. Just being picked out of a crowd, danger, destiny, plus if you act now, death. Yeah. They’re special, no doubt. The amazing thing is, not one of them will ever know, not even Buffy. How much harder it is for the rest of us. Seven years, Dawn. Working with the slayer. Seeing my friends get more and more powerful. A witch. A demon. Hell, I could fit Oz in my shaving kit, but come a full moon, he had a wolfy mojo not to be messed with. Powerful. All of them. And I’m the guy who fixes the windows. I saw what you did last night. You thought you were all special. Miss Sunnydale 2003. And the minute you found out you weren’t, you handed the crown to Amanda without a moment’s pause. You gave her your power. They’ll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn’t chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody’s watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You’re not special. You’re extraordinary.
____________
1. The first three years were tough for Buffy… And us. We watched her work so hard to save everyone constantly and never receive any gratitude from anyone outside her own immediate clique. Thinking she’d gone unnoticed and unappreciated all these years, “The Prom” was the most compassionate and poignant speech we had the pleasure of witnessing.
Jonathon 3×20/The Prom: We have one more award to give out. Is Buffy Summers here tonight? Did she, um– This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, the prom committee asked me to read this. ‘We’re not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t noticed you. We don’t talk about it much, but it’s no secret that Sunnydale High isn’t really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here. But, whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We’re proud to say that the Class of ’99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history. And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class, offers its thanks, and gives you, uh, this.’ It’s from all of us, and it has written here, ‘Buffy Summers, Class Protector.’
In conclusion, this.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb4rmm0l4PU&w=560&h=315]
